KC JOKEFLASH         OCTOBER 2003     |    Vol. 5 No. 10

Stay silly in a craaaaazy world. Read JokeFlash:
http://www.kahl.net/jokeflash/

ThE f1nE5T rEİYİLeD j0|<E$ f*r @LL @Ge5.

==========
NEWSJOKES
==========
WASHINGTON POST'S STYLE INVITATIONAL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Thanks Yolette!]

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to (1) take a 
word from the dictionary, (2) alter it by adding, subtracting, or 
changing ONE LETTER, and (3) supply a new definition.

2003 Winners:

1.   Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until 
you realize it was your money to start with.

2.   Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3.   Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops 
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows 
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4.   Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of 
getting laid.

5.   Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the 
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6.   Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7.   Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the 
person who doesn't get it.

8.   Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9.   Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10.  Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11.  Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these 
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's 
like a serious bummer.

12.  Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day 
consuming only things that are good for you.

13.  Glibido: All talk and no action.

14.  Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when 
they come at you rapidly.

15.  Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after 
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16.  Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your 
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17.  Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in 
the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18.  Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 
 

============
!!JOKEFLASH!!
============
GOLF! LEPRECHAUNS! SEX!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A golfer helps out a leprechaun.  The leprechaun offers to return the
favor.  The golfer says thank you, but he has everything he needs.  The
leprechaun decides that the golfer was such a nice man that he'd give
him three things that he'd want.  So, he gave him an endless supply of
money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.

A few weeks later, the leprechaun saw the man on the golf course again.
The leprechaun asked about the man's golf game.  He said it was great.
He shoots at or below par on every hole.  The leprechaun asks how he's
doing financially.  The man says it is just amazing; every time he puts
his hand in his pocket, he pulls out a $100 bill.  The leprechaun asks
about the man's sex life.  The man replies that he has sex about twice a
week.  The leprechaun is shocked.  He asks again.  The man replies that
it may not be much for a leprechaun, but that's pretty good for a
Catholic priest in a small parish.
 

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==============================
TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION
==============================
HEY! TRY THIS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Thanks Patrick!]

While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.

While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. 

What direction is your foot going now???


TRAVEL AGENT BLUES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. 
When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very 
irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"  

Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair 
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.  

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over 
all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California 
and then take the train to Hawaii?"  

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to 
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she 
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but 
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the 
stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown 
is in Africa." her response....click.  

A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angles. She gave me 
various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her 
fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, 
Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angles, and that New Orleans 
was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not 
even embarrassed.  

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was 
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an 
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando 
is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on 
the map and Florida is a very thin state."  

I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from 
Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I 
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay- over in 
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard 
Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to 
save time."  

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her 
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.I 
tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she 
could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the 
plane went very fast, and she bought that!  

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on 
your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do 
you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they 
put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any 
connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into 
it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code 
for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination 
tag on her luggage.  

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which 
plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he 
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn 
planes have numbers on them."  

A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those 
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter 
plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."  

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed 
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I 
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many 
times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure 
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, 
I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American 
Express."  

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to 
Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the 
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do 
you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came 
back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the 
country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, 
"Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The 
agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You 
don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

 
=========
JOKESITES
=========
HUMMERDINGER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you haven't seen a GM Hummer hogging the road somewhere then you're 
probably living far from any major intersection.

As the posterchild for overconsumption and utter disdain for the 
environment the GM Hummer has given birth to parody websites such as 
this one brought to you by the Sierra Club:

http://www.hummerdinger.com



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BUG SONG
~~~~~~~~~
[Thanks Ray!]

Ever seen a bug sing a song? Look:

http://laacz.lv/f/swf/bugsong.swf
 
 
Thanks to all who wrote in.
If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. 

Cheers!
Alex
 
LET KC HELP
===========
Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands.
KAHL CONSULTANTS
http://www.kahl.net
 

==============
THE PUNCH LINE
==============
READ SLOWLY, BREATH DEEPLY. REALLY WORKS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Feeling Stressed?
Picture yourself near a stream...
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air...
Nothing can bother you here...
No one knows this secret place...  You are in total seclusion from that 
place called The World...
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of 
serenity...
The water is clear...
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding 
under the water...
There now ... feeling better?

 
{¨}

If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably.
Share this warm feeling with others!!
Remember, the best things in life are free.

KC JOKEFLASH
Online: http://www.kahl.net/jokeflash/


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