JokeFlash 10/99 Vol.1, No.5 You LIKE to laugh. JokeFlash is your bag. Stay sane in an crazy world with JokeFlash. Contains only the best recycled jokes for all ages. JokeFlash is a free service of Kahl Consultants. Humor. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ========= NEWSJOKE ========= STOKEY THE BEAR? -------------------------- US Forest Service officials said they discovered in June more than 5,000 marijuana plants in California's Los Padres National Forest. The plants have an estimated street value of $15 million, one of the largest seizures in Santa Barbara County history. Also found near the plants were a tent, clothing, tools and enough food and other supplies to last "a few months" ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ ENTREPRENEURS ----------------------- A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change. GONE CUCKOO -------------------- Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 a.m., full as a boot, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her "midnight." Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said: "Well it cuckooed three times, said "Fuck!", cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled!" GETTING OLD IS A DRAG --------------------------------- When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near the food court and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee." I said: "Well, then why are you crying?" She said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon." I said: "Well so why are you crying?" She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am." I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!" MULTIPURPOSE EXCUSES --------------------------------- All Purpose Excuse Form All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be! Dear a) Mom b) Dad c) love of my life d) Assistant Principal e) Local Police Chief, Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Espresso maker e) Left arm was severely damaged by my a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated prank. How could I have known that the a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sledge e) Zamboni I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your a) house b) wife c) Cub Scout troop d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans, you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to a) imagine b) fathom c) comprehend d) appreciate e) pay for, and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to a) hate me b) sue me c) spank me d) take my firstborn e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond, but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at a) school b) work c) church d) the bowling alley e) the municipal jail, and to remember that I am first and foremost your a) friend b) child c) sibling d) lease co-signer e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant. I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that a) was so stupid b) was so silly c) would have been funny if it worked d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first e) I'm going to use again on someone else. Sincerely, Me. ------------------------------ GIMME A CALL HONEY ------------------------------ There are so many great deals available for your phone calls, how do you choose the best? You see what Global Com offers! Support JokeFlash and visit your agent Alex Kahl at GlobalCom: http://www.kahl.net/global ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== For The Man Who Has Everything -------------------------------------- The Alaska Department of Environmental Conservation has been hawking vials of goo collected from the Exxon Valdez oil spill. $5 a bottle, $10 for three. Buyers are warned "not to open, touch, eat, smell or play with the encased goop. Just stick it on your bookcase and admire it. Don't sniff it" (Wall Street Journal, Aug. 26). ------------------------------------- LAUGH WITH AMAZON.COM ------------------------------------- In association with Amazon.com we offer you dirt cheap books and CDs. Grab some comics or other funny literature for 20% off or more! Support JokeFlash by using this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ======== JOKESITE ======== How Dumb Are You? ------------------------ Take the Densa quiz, if you dare! Your score ranges from genius to brain dead. http://www.densa.com/funstuff.html Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers, Alex Kahl Consultants http://www.kahl.net THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== She Blinded Me With Science ---------------------------------- Scientists at the nation's laboratories must report any romantic liaison with a foreigner -- unless it's a one-night stand. The new rule was issued to clarify a previous Energy Department policy that required reporting of any "close and continuing contacts" with foreigners from 25 "sensitive" countries. Edward J. Curran, DOE director of counterintelligence: "You can take it and ridicule it. But we had to define contacts because the scientists said they couldn't do it for themselves" {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably at all our jokes. Share this warm feeling with others!! Please forward JokeFlash to your best friends. Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <