JokeFlash 11/2000 | Kahl Consultants | Vol.2, No. 11 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. ========= NEWSJOKE ========= NEWSJOKE? HELLO!! With the election fiasco in the United States this is the best time EVER for political satirists! Everyone is being bombarded with election emails ranging from silly to insane. In the end democracy will prevail, but in the meantime... BRING ON THE JOKES! Electile Disfunction: http://www.guardianunlimited.co.uk/US_election_race/graphic/0,5543,397276,00.html G.W. Bush spoof site: http://www.gwbush.com/ Al Gore spoof site: http://www.algore-2000.org/ ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ CONGRATULATIONS? --------------------------- I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your marriage with my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessings to marry my daughter. Your future father-in-law, Jagmohan Singh, Ph.D. P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery. FREE PEANUTS ~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Jeff!] A man walks into a healthfood restaurant after a day at the office, sits down and orders a nice big dish of brown rice and stir-fry veggies. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter by the cash register while he's waiting for his order, and as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!" Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth. Next he hears a voice, "Those shoes are stylin,' my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!" He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts.This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!" He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY?" "Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts." "The PEANUTS?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him. "Yes," replies the waiter, " . . they're complimentary !" YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Juan Valdez names his donkey after you. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You watch videos in fast-forward. You lick your coffeepot clean. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You can type sixty words a minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low. You don't sweat, you percolate. You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You've worn the finish off you coffee table. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house. You're so wired you pick up FM radio. Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans." Instant coffee takes too long. You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can. You name your cats Cream and Sugar. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. THE FACE OF A GHOST? ----------------------------- [Thanks Gianni!] Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!" They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. "Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud? ET VS MAN -------------------- What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home! So many deals for your phone calls, how to choose the best? See what Global Com offers! Support JokeFlash and visit GlobalCom: http://www.kahl.net/global ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== REAL ADS THAT ALMOST RAN ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Check out the "Ad Graveyard" and laugh at some of the wacky things you'll find here. But be forewarned, we have friends who have become addicted to this site! Jeffrey Zeldman's Ad Graveyard: http://www.zeldman.com/ad.html ------------------------------------ AND THAT'S THE TRUTH TOO! ------------------------------------ Forget the mall! Buy online at Amazon! Get some dirt cheap books, music and much more now. Grab some comics or other funny literature for 20% off or more! PLEASE SUPPORT JOKEFLASH by using this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ========= JOKESITES ========= COMEDYWORLD - SLIGHTLY SILLY NEWS --------------------------------------------------- Add these to your collection of funny bookmarks: http://www.comedyworld.com/read/ http://www.comedyworld.com/read/action7_news/ Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers, Alex Humor. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. ========== PUNCH LINE ========== Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body! {¨} You got this far? You probably wet your pants! Share this warm feeling with others!! Forward JokeFlash to best friends. Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <