JokeFlash 11/99 Vol.1, No.6 You LIKE to laugh. Stay silly in an crazy world with JokeFlash. Contains only the best recycled jokes for all ages. JokeFlash by Kahl Consultants. Humor. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ========= NEWSJOKE ========= Dirty Dozen -------------- Twelve finalists will compete in New York next week for the title of "Dirtiest Kid in America." After the contestants complete an obstacle course filled with ketchup, chocolate pudding, whipped cream and mud, judges will select a winner based on "stain coverage, stain composition and artistic merit" (AP/Birmingham News online, Nov. 6). ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ Great New Book Titles For Children -------------------------------------- 1. You Are Different and That's Bad 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 3. Dad's New Wife Robert 4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 6. The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking 7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 8. Curious George And the High-Voltage Fence 9. All Cats Go To Hell 10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched 11. Some Kittens Can Fly 12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption 13. Grandpa Gets A Casket 14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator 15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia 16. The Pop-Up Book Of Human Anatomy 17. Strangers Have the Best Candy 18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way 19. You Were an Accident 20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 21. Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games 22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan 23. Your Nightmares Are Real 24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried? 25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms Electrical Outlet Be Friends? 27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things 28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry. THANKS FOR THE LIFT ------------------------------ A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow." Drive Your Karma, Curb Your Dogma ------------------------------ Swami Byondandonandonda's Guidelines for Enlightenment 1. Be a Fundamentalist - make sure the Fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be cancelled. A laugh track has been provided. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and that will insure regularhilarity. 2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift - just for entering. So you are already a winner! 3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the channel. 4. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: "Don't get even, get odd." 5. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there will be no madness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here and a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere. 6. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it. 7. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never to have to change it again. 8. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is - there is is no key to the Universe. The good news is - it has been left unlocked. 9. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So you don't have to go through channels. GIMME A CALL HONEY ------------------------------ There are so many great deals available for your phone calls, how do you choose the best? You see what Global Com offers! Travel much? Get the VoiceNet calling card! Domestic call from any phone in the USA for only 14.5 cents/min! No more expensive calls! Check out these offer AND MANY MORE! Support JokeFlash and visit your agent Alex Kahl at GlobalCom: http://www.kahl.net/global ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== Mahir Rules! --------------- If you missed it, a few days ago a website featuring this turkish guy was all the rage. Well as it turns out it was a mixture of the truth and someones clever hoax! Now the real Mahir has set the record straight: http://members.xoom.com/_XOOM/primall/mahir/index.html But before you read what he has to say, look at the page everyone laughed at: http://members.xoom.com/_XOOM/primall/mahir/index081199.html ------------------------------ LAUGH WITH AMAZON ------------------------------ Just in time for the holidays, get your dirt cheap books and CDs from Amazon. Grab some comics or other funny literature for 20% off or more! Please support JokeFlash by using this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ======== JOKESITE ======== Absolutely Clueless! ------------------------ John Walker, Autodesk founder and AutoCAD co-author, has a sarcastic website entitled "Real Mail: The Titanium Cranium Awards". It's a list of emails he's gotten from VERY clueless people. It will make you think twice before sending out another email inquiry!! Real Mail: The Titanium Cranium Awards: http://www.fourmilab.ch/documents/titanium/ Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers, Alex Kahl Consultants http://www.kahl.net THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== Moo? ------ Because cows produce more milk when they're content and comfortable, University of Georgia researchers have some of their herd relaxing on waterbeds as they try to figure out a good way to keep the animals happy. John Bernard of the school's Coastal Plain Experiment Station: "Cow comfort is a big issue. ... That encompasses a lot of things, but bedding is one of the big factors" (AP/Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Nov. 8). {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably at all our jokes. Share this warm feeling with others!! Please forward JokeFlash to your best friends. Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <