JokeFlash 12/2000 | HAPPY HOLIDAZE! | Kahl Consultants | Vol.2, No. 12 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. =========== NEWSJOKES =========== DECK THE....WALLS? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An ad slogan for Deck The Walls, a US chain of stores that sell framed art and photographs: This is the holiday season. So many gifts to buy. You are tired and stressed. Get the picture. HUH? ~~~~~ Real Department Store Ad: Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. =========== OFFICE JOKE =========== [Thanks R.C.!] Subject: Holiday Party FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at That time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. ******************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 2 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, Though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty ***************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange - no gift exchanges are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED. ******************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything? Patty ****************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay??? Patty ***************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 9 RE: Holiday Party People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home. ************************ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All #%&$**-@- Employees DATE: December 10 RE: The %#*&^%-@-*%^Holiday Party I have no #%&*-@-*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!-@- do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!! Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die you hear me!!!!!!!!!! The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!! ******************* FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 14 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! ~ Merry Christmas ~ ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS IN BROOKLYN ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Peter!] 'Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella, Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla. When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!" When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin' reindeer! Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit, Don Christopher wuz here, And he brought da loot! Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name. "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!" As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, He flew troo da winda And slapped me 'side da head. "What da hell you doin' Pullin' a gun on da Don? Now all you're gettin' is coal, You friggin' moron!" Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose, He twisted his pinky ring, And up da chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin', Away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'. Den I heard him yell out, What I did least expect, "Merry Friggin' Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!" WHAT DAY IS THIS? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed mid-winter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs, THREE deconstructionist poets, TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and... ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!!* (unless otherwise prohibited by law) *Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day. CALL HOME FOR THE HOLIDAZE! ----------------------------------------------- So many long distance deals, how to choose? See what Global Com offers! PLEASE SUPPORT JOKEFLASH and visit GlobalCom: http://www.kahl.net/global ======================= STRANGER THAN FICTION ======================= RATS! ~~~~~ Rats multiply rather well. A typical female mouse delivers 6 baby mice on an average after a gestation period of just 19 days. The baby mice attain puberty in two months and would themselves be then ready to conceive. A rat is usually ready to start mating an amazing two days after delivering its babies; do the math and you will realize that a rat can deliver 16-18 times a year. Do some more serious math and you will find out that a rat couple can get to work at the beginning of a year and can theoretically have roughly 31,000 descendents by the time the next new year is rung in. WONDERFUL! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy named Philip van Doren wrote a story and sent it out as a Christmas card to friends. The response was so good that a movie studio, RKO pictures, purchased the rights to the story. In 1945, Hollywood director Frank Capra paid $10,000 to RKO for the rights to the film and went on to make one of the best-known classics ever. The movie: It's a Wonderful Life. --------------------------------------- GIVE GIFTS FROM AMAZON --------------------------------------- Forget the mall! Buy gifts online at Amazon! Get books, music and more. Get toys, comics or other funny stuff without the mall mob! PLEASE SUPPORT JOKEFLASH by using this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ========= JOKESITES ========= HOLIDAY FUN! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The holidays can be rather stressful with all the modern hustle and bustle! If you need some help to really enjoy the season, look here: HAPPY HOLIDAYS http://www.cstone.net/~bry-back/holidayfun/dec.html The Christmas Spot http://theholidayspot.com/christmas/ The Laffatorium Holiday Humor http://www.laffnow.com/ Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. JokeFlash Online: http://www.kahl.net/jokeflash Cheers, Alex Kahl Consultants Humor. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help your small business prosper. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== SOUNDS LIKE SANTA ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Santa Claus, the Christmas gift-bearer is called Papa Noel in Brazil. In Italy Santa's role is assumed by La Befana, a kindly old witch. La Befana rides a broomstick down the chimney to deliver toys into the stockings of Italian children. Legends say Befana was sweeping her floors when the three Wise Men stopped and asked her to come to see the Baby Jesus. "No," she said, "I am too busy." Later, she changed her mind but it was too late. So, to this day, she goes out on Christmas Eve searching for the Holy Child, leaving gifts for the "holy child" in each household. HO HO HO....AND FINALLY.... Check out the LAST PAGE on the internet: http://www.kahl.net/lastpage.html {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Please forward JokeFlash to your best friends. Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <