JokeFlash 12/99 Vol.1, No.7 Read JokeFlash and stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. JokeFlash by Kahl Consultants. Humor. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ========= NEWSJOKE ========= Why, You Dirty Rat ---------------------- Recently released secret documents show that British agents during World War II prepared an array of special equipment to "outwit the Germans," including hand grenades disguised as sugar beets and exploding rats. Rats were skinned, their skins were filled with plastic explosive and the skins were then sewn back on to the rats. The Germans intercepted a container of rats before they could be deployed (Giles Elgood, Reuters/San Diego Union-Tribune, Nov. 11). ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ Words of Wisdom from Kids -------------------------------- 1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10 2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14 3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14 4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9 5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13 6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13 7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10 8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. -Taylia, 11 9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14 10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, 12 11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9 12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9 13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9 14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11 15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. -Naomi, 15 16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9 17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10 18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13 19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8 AMISH INGENUITY ------------------------ An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..." SEASONS GREETING --------------------------- So many deals for your phone calls, how to choose the best? See what Global Com offers! PLEASE support JokeFlash and visit your agent Alex Kahl at GlobalCom: http://www.kahl.net/global You Know You've Been Online Too Long When... --------------------------------------------------------- ** Tech Support calls "YOU" for help. ** When you are reading something printed, you wish you could use a search function to get to the point. ** Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL." ** When you reply to someone verbally, your fingers start typing your response. ** You check your e-mail over and over, even when you know there's nothing there. ** You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we! can hang out." ** Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. ** You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet "sweet_girl" face-to-face. ** You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it. ** You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut. ** You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences. ** You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. ** When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!" ** You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the night when your spouse is asleep. ** You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you're online again. ** You know more about online friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's. ** You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook. ** You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own. ** You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth. ** You change your screen name so much that you have to do a who is to know who you are. ** You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time. ** You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved. ** Your dog leaves you. ** You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer. ** You type faster than you can think. **You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie. ** You don't want to leave in case you miss something! ** You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail and while there you "just wanted to see who was online." ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== AMAZING ANAGRAMS ----------------------------- An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. > > > > Word Rearrange the letters: > > > > ------------------------------------------------------ > > > > Dormitory Dirty Room > > > > Desperation A Rope Ends It > > > > The Morse Code Here come Dots > > > > Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em > > > > Animosity Is No Amity > > > > Mother-in-law Woman Hitler > > > > Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's > > > > Alec Guinness Genuine Class > > > > Semolina Is No Meal > > > > The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet > > > > A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place > > > > The Earthquakes That Queer Shake > > > > Eleven plus two Twelve plus one > > > > Contradiction Accord not in it > > > > Astronomer Moon Starer > > > > Princess Diana End Is A Car Spin > > > >Year Two Thousand A Year To Shut Down ----------------------------- GIVE GIFTS BE HAPPY ----------------------------- Forget the mall! Buy your gifts online at Amazon! Get books and music here. And now they also offer vidoes, electronics, software, toys video games and more! One less trip to the mall! PLEASE support JokeFlash by using this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ======== JOKESITE ======== THE ONION --------------- Are you upset with the state of the so-called news broadcasts and newspapers these days? Then you should be reading "America's Finest News Source". Their spoof on what we often see delivered as news will make you feel a whole lot better. Bookmark it: http://www.theonion.com/ The Jerky Boys ----------------- The official Jerky Boys site gives you an glimpse of what these rather raunchy New Yorker comedians are like. Their specialty is wickedly funny PRANK PHONE CALLS. Some of this stuff is definitely only for big kids. Oh my! http://www.thejerkyboys.com Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers, Alex Kahl Consultants http://www.kahl.net THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== LEAPING LIZARDS ROBIN! ---------------------------------- We recently came across the ULTIMATE DUMB INSTRUCTION on a product. It was on a Kenner Toy Company's "Batman Returns" costume: "CAUTION-FOR PLAY ONLY: Cape does not enable user to fly." {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Please forward JokeFlash to your best friends. Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <