JokeFlash 2/2000 | Kahl Consultants | Vol.2, No.2 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. ========= NEWSJOKE ========= THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY - DEAD AT 71 ------------------------------------------------------- Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Cap'n Crunch and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not! considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ SIGNS SIGNS EVERYWHERE SIGNS -------------------------------------------- [Thanks Roland!] Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Spotted in a toilet in a London office block TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW. HOW TO BATHE THE CAT --------------------------------- [Thanks Suzie] 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any object they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The Dog HOWDY Y'ALL! -------------------- So many deals for your phone calls, how to choose the best? See what Global Com offers! Please support JokeFlash and visit your agent Alex Kahl at GlobalCom: http://www.kahl.net/global ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste ------------------------------------------ Authorities are trying to determine how half a human brain got into a Bethlehem, PA-area sewage-treatment plant. Northampton County Coroner Zachary Lysek: "It is very perplexing to find a human brain in the sewer system." Lysek added that, "At the very least, the person who did this can be charged with the improper disposal of medical waste" [AP/Philadelphia Inquirer] --------------------------------------- AMAZIN' EXPANDING AMAZON --------------------------------------- ATTENTION SHOPPERS! Buy online at Amazon! Get some dirt cheap books, music and NOW much more. Grab some comics or other funny literature for 20% off or more! PLEASE SUPPORT JOKEFLASH by using this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ========= JOKESITES ========= BAD HAIR DAZE --------------------- Presenting those who wear it short in front, long in back, and VERY VERY SILLY: http://www.mulletsgalore.com TRIVIAL PURSUIT ---------------------- Yes, where would be be without it - uh, er... talking about nontrivial things? Trivia nuts get in line and register here: http://www.triviawars.com Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers, Alex Kahl Consultants Humor. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?" {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Please forward JokeFlash to your best friends. Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <