JokeFlash 2/2001 | Vol.3, No. 2 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. ========= NEWSJOKE ========= THE VALUE OF UNDIES ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Betsy!] Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public! A couple drove to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to go shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood... and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head. [Source: Sydney Morning Herald] KC TECHSHOP ----------------- Shop at the TechShop! * MONEY-SAVING RANKINGS - we list the best sites for comparison shopping, reviews and infos. * "SWEET SPOT" SHOPPING LISTS - for PC DESKTOPs and LAPTOPs. Get the best price-to-quality ratio! FEBRUARY DEAL$: Pacific Image Scanner - scan images at a price you can't resist: ONLY $19.99 Canon Color Inkjet Printer with printer cable included (a $15$ value): ONLY $39.95 HP EXTERNAL CD Burner - write & rewrite custom CDs (the best backup solution for laptops): ONLY $199.99 Hardware or software, deals on technology: http://www.kahl.net/shopping ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ 10 WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper. 8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. MISTRESSES ~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Dick!] A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, and says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "She's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says the husband. She replies, "Ours is prettier." TELL ME THIS IS NOT A JOKE! ------------------------------------ GLOBALCOM has great new LONG DISTANCE RATES! VISIT GLOBALCOM for great LONG DISTANCE RATES: http://www.kahl.net/global ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== RESOLUTIONS FOR INTERNET JUNKIES ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses. *I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated. *I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. *I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. *I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. *I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year. *I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet - This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. *I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then. *When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" *I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. *I will think of a password other than "password." BARGAIN HUNTING IN THE AMAZON --------------------------------------------- Amazon.com now has an Outlet! The biggest bargains throughout the Amazon.com universe are here. > Up to 50% off toys and electronics and up to 60% off kitchen essentials > books for less than 5 bucks, CDs for less than $7, and a slew of videos for under $10? Using this link choose OUTLET from the Store Directory: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ========= JOKESITES ========= NURSERY PHOTOS DATABASE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This amazing site uses public records to collect pictures of newborn babies at over 98% of hospitals and medical centers! Try find your own and check out your family members, friends and colleagues. And you were worried about your credit card data? NURSERY PHOTOS: http://www.nurseryphotos.com/ Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers! Alex Kahl Consultants THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. KAHL CONSULTANTS Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ========== PUNCH LINE ========== MIND BOGGLING [Thanks RC] See if you can find the hidden image in the group of characters below. It takes some concentration, but it's worth it; and, don't cheat by scrolling down before you look at it. Have fun! You'll be surprised when you see what it is. {{{{{{{===**++++*****+++++++++++????????/////////////%\\\\\\\\\\\\\\- -@--@--@--@--@-444+=+=****&^"""""}}}|||||||]]]<><><><>%%#######!!!!!!!!! \=///////^^!~~~~::---)))))*****+++-@--@--@--@--@--@--@--@-<%&&&&&&&---^^^~~ ====||\\\\\/////////*****<><><><><><><>{}{}{}{}[][][][]%%%%%%%% $$$&&$$&$$===~|~|~|~|====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*)----------%%%~~~~~~~~ Helpful Hint: If you put your nose right up on the screen, then slowly back away while staring at the picture; that usually makes it easier for most people. If you still don't see it, scroll down for the answer . . . I can't believe you fell for that one! I hope someone walked by and saw you pressing your nose against the screen and looking like a moron! Don't worry . . . I fell for it too, but no one saw me doing it! {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <