KC JokeFlash FEBRUARY 2002 | Vol.4, No. 2 Stay silly in a craaaaazy world. CONTENTS: fine recycled jokes for all ages. ========== NEWSJOKES ========== THE WORST JOB ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Alan!] Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS), which runs the Singapore Zoo, has set up a bank of sperm and animal tissue in order to help preserve species. The thankless task of collecting the sperm falls to Mr. Binatang's, starting his rounds at 4 a.m. "We start so early in the morning because a lot of the animals have 'morning glory' when they wake up, and it's easier to collect the sperm. Wearing rubber gloves and carrying a cooler box filled with ice and tupperware, Mr. Binatang, 25, told us that he'd just graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in life sciences. He liked nature and animals, and thought that the Singapore Zoo would be the perfect place to work. "I never thought I'd be giving an orang-utan a hand job every morning," he said somewhat ruefully. "And he is the worst, he expects to be kissed first. "As we approached the orang-utan enclosure, we saw the Zoo's most famous resident lying casually on his back, hands behind his head, and sporting a huge erection. Applying the massage oil onto his gloves, he lingered outside the enclosure before entering and knelt before the orange beast. About 2 minutes' worth of squelching noises could be heard before Mr.Binatang emerged again. Next the tiger enclosure, the big cats were sprawled lazily on the grass verge, in a somewhat half-hearted manner as he put on a fresh set of gloves and entered the enclosure. "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..." Moments later, he emerged with several tupperware full of viscous fluid. "Isn't it dangerous?" we asked. Mr. Binatang was silent for a while. "They know I'm not there as an enemy," he finally said, a glazed, faraway look in his eyes. Worked his way round the zoo, finished his rounds at 3 pm in the afternoon. Carrying out his duties with the tapirs, the rhinoceros, giraffe and the gorillas, amongst others. "Each animal is different," he said, removing his gloves, now speckled with traces of polar bear spunk. "The chimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is the most tricky because of the size of its thing... sometimes I have to use both my arms to tug on it." "As you can expect it's really affecting my sex life. I can't help it. Each time my wife initiates sex, these ejaculating hippos keep floating through my mind." How long will he stay difficult to know, but deputy assistant director Lai Jee Seow thinks it is important to continue. "It's because the animals have gotten too used to Binatang coming over every morning to pull them off," said "Many of them now can't be bothered to engage in real sex." BULLETPROOF MAGIC FAILS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Ghanaian man was shot dead by a fellow villager while testing a magic spell designed to make him bulletproof. Aleobiga Aberima, 23, and around 15 other men from Lambu village, northeast Ghana, had asked a jujuman (witch doctor) to make them invincible to bullets. After smearing his body with a concoction of herbs every day for two weeks, Aberima volunteered to be shot to check if the spell had worked. One of the others fetched a rifle and shot Aberima who died instantly from a single bullet. Angry Lambu residents seized the jujuman and beat him severely until a village elder rescued him, the Wednesday report added. Tribal clashes are common in Ghana's far north, where people often resort to witchcraft in the hope of becoming invulnerable to bullets, swords and arrows. [Source: Ghana News Agency] KC TECHSHOP ----------------- Freshly squeezed deal$ to make you smile: FEBRUARY DEAL: Canon Printer/Scanner Bundle ONLY: $100 720 x 360 dpi print, 600 x 1200 dpi scan, USB, Parallel * MONEY-SAVING RANKINGS Best sites for comparison shopping and reviews. * "SWEET SPOT" SHOPPING LISTS DESKTOPs and LAPTOPs. Best price-to-quality! * GREEN PC Section Deal$ on Technology: http://www.kahl.net/shopping ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ VERY PUNNY ~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Jeff!] 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good:) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. TALK IS CHEAP ------------------- Here is a prepaid long distance service that rocks! * Works worldwide (via web enabled CALLBACK)! * No Monthly Fees! No Hidden Fees! Our advice: sign up and save on calls. Also comes in handy as a backup. You'll love it too. Try it out: http://www.kahl.net/global/ ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== WEIRDEST EMAIL OF THE MONTH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This email is actually making the rounds. subject: Time Travelers PLEASE HELP!!!! _________________________________ message: If you are a time traveler or alien disguised as human and or have the technology to travel physically through time I need your help! My life has been severely tampered with and cursed!! I have suffered tremendously and am now dying! I need to be able to: Travel back in time. Rewind my life including my age back to 4. Be able to remember what I know now so that I can prevent my life from being tampered with again after I go back. I am in very great danger and need this immediately! I am aware that there are many types of time travel, and that humans do not do well through certain types. I need as close to temporal reversion as possible, as safely as possible. To be able to rewind the hands of time in such a way that the universe of now will cease to exist. I know that there are some very powerful people out there with alien or government equipment capable of doing just that. If you can help me I will pay for your teleport or trip down here, Along with hotel stay, food and all expenses. I will pay top dollar for the equipment. Proof must be provided. Please be advised that any temporal device that you may employ must account for X, Y, and Z coordinates as well as the temporal location. I have a time machine now, but it has limited abilitys and is useless without a vortex. If you can provide information on how to create vortex generator or where I can get some of the blue glowing moon crystals this would also be helpful. Also if you are one of the very, very, few beings with the ability to edit the universe PLEASE REPLY!!! Only if you have this technology and can help me please send me a (SEPARATE) email to: Robby0809-@-aol.com Please do not reply if your an evil alien! Thanks ---------------------------------- DEALS FROM THE AMAZON ---------------------------------- This just in: our real handy Tools & Hardware Deal: LEATHERMAN Juice C2 Inferno Multitool List Price: $59.99 Our Price: ONLY $44.99 You Save: $15.00 (25%) From Leatherman's new Juice line of multitools, the metallic red C2 Inferno features the sleekest, most compact profile. Makes a great gift for boy scouts and MacGyver disciples everywhere. Wanna drool all over it? Click right here on this Amazon.com link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000059GTH/kahlconsultants/ TWO RANDOM QUOTES ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." ----Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest 2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." ----Mariah Carey ON-THE-JOB TRAINING ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sherman P. Hawkins's application to become director of the Montana Department of Corrections was turned down in July by Gov. Judy Martz, despite Hawkins's stated qualifications: a master's degree in administration and 28 years in the department. As the governor noted, however, Hawkins's years of experience had been as an inmate, serving a life sentence for murdering his wife. ========= JOKESITES ========= TALIBAN VS. TELEMARKETERS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gosh now this is just plain silly... Here is a flash file that makes fun of The Taliban and the telemarketing industry: http://members.sigecom.net/theclan/taliban.html Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers! Alex Kahl THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? Let Kahl Consultants help your small business. Marketing, web design, hosting, maintenance. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== ASCII POETRY ~~~~~~~~~~~~ <>!*''# ^"`$$- !*=-@-$_ %*<>~#4 &[]../ |{,,SYSTEM HALTED or, for the less literate: Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash; Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four; Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH. {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. 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