JokeFlash 3/2000 | Kahl Consultants | Vol.2, No.3 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. ========= NEWSJOKE ========= Standard Condoms Too Big for Germans? ---------------------------------------------- [Thanks a lot Imon!] BERLIN (Reuters) - A study has found that the standard European Union size of condom is often too big for German men, a magazine reported Sunday. Focus magazine said a study by leading German condom manufacturer Condomi found standard-sized condoms falling off half of the men studied. "The average German penis is about 3.5 to 4 millimeters (0.13 to 0.15 inches) too narrow for the standard EN 600 condom," the magazine wrote. The EU set the EN 600 guidelines for rubber condoms in 1996 to establish a uniform standard across Europe. ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ Memo to: the Director Subject: Letter of Recommendation 1> Bob Smith, an assistant programmer, can always be found 2> hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3> wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4> thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5> finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended 6> measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping 7> coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8> vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9> knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10> classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11> dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12> promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13> sent away as soon as possible. - TLP (Later that afternoon another memo came from TLP that said: For my true assessment, please read the memo by skipping odd-numbered lines. Bob was looking over my shoulder as I wrote it.) Medical Stories (some might even be true) ------------------------------------------------ [Thanks RC!] A man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab! "The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that there are several cabs lined up, and it's obvious that he's in the wrong one. A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he died from a "massive internal fart." I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence.He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!" During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch," he replied, "the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and I've run out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long since you have been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years...when my husband was still alive." A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?""It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't get used to the taste," the patient replied.The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet plainly labeled "KY Jelly." Amateur Pirate ----------------- [Thanks Peter!] A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg leg?" asks the sailor. "I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate. "A shark bit off me whole leg." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?" "We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut me hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "And the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. Said the pirate. "It was me first day with the hook." HOWDY Y'ALL! -------------------- So many deals for your phone calls, how to choose the best? See what Global Com offers! Travel much? Get the VoiceNet calling card! Domestic call from any phone in the USA for only 14.5 cents/min! No more expensive calls! Check out this offer AND MANY MORE! Please support JokeFlash and visit your agent Alex Kahl at GlobalCom: http://www.kahl.net/global ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== THEY GOT AN AWFUL LOTTA... BEER... IN BRAZIL ----------------------------------------------------------------- BRASILIA (Reuters) - Brazilian beer companies that used bikini-clad women and tongue-in-cheek claims of medical cures to lure consumers to guzzle their brands have agreed to practice self-restraint. Major beer producers Skol, Brahma, Antarctica and Schincariol agreed with a government watchdog to tone down their tv ads after a deluge of consumer complaints. The producers reached an informal agreement with the government to withdraw their most racy ads even though no law obliges them to do so. Efforts to win consumers in this massive beer market have heated up recently amid merger talks between top producers. Consumers had complained about one brand's ads showing a man drinking beer and then immediately being surrounded by bikini-clad women. Another showed a drinker choking as he sipped a competing brand and being recommended by a doctor to drink the advertiser's beer to be "cured." HOME IMPROVEMENT - AMAZON STYLE ---------------------------------------------------- Amazon.com is now in the HOME IMPROVEMENT business. No more endless mazes and lines at Home Depot. Go online and get your tools (how about a handy leatherman as a gift?) and home renovation products (time to prepare your lawn & garden for summer?)! PLEASE SUPPORT GLOBENEWS by only using this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ========= JOKESITES ========= 2 SITES TO TICKLE YOUR FUNNY BONE --------------------------------------------------- Twisted Humor - subscribe to see all the silly stuff here or to get daily jokes sent to you: http://www.twistedhumor.com/ Mullets are cheezy haircuts - short in front, long in back. Somebody with a bizarre sense of humor put up a site dedicated to them. Check out the different mullet classifications for giggles galore: http://www.mulletsgalore.com/ Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers, Alex Kahl Consultants Humor. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!" {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Please forward JokeFlash to your best friends. Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <