JokeFlash 3/2001 | Vol.3, No. 3 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: fine recycled jokes for all ages. ========= NEWSJOKE ========= FISHY DIAPERS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Loaded diapers and dead carp. Not the most appealing things in the world. But a University of Wisconsin-Madison food scientist has an idea that could help deal with both. Srinivasan Damodaran has patented a process for turning carp, or any other fish, for that matter, into a highly absorbent, biodegradable hydrogel. The odorless hydrogel could be used in diapers, hand lotions and other products. It even could be used in special weight-loss foods, he said. "It is the total fish," he said. "They grind it up and extract the protein." Damodaran claims his fish-based product could suck up 400 times its own weight. An alkaline solution is added to the ground fish. Bones and other insoluble materials are filtered out. Then, an acidic substance known as EDTA is mixed in. That process imparts three additional negative charges, creating a highly charged polymer, he said, which is highly absorbent. [Source: Associated Press] Read the whole article: http://www.arizonarepublic.com:80/arizona/articles/0227fishdiapers-ON.html KC TECHSHOP ------------ DON'T GO SHOPPING BLIND! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Go shopping at the NEW KC TechShop! * MONEY-SAVING RANKINGS - the very best sites for comparison shopping, reviews and infos. * "SWEET SPOT" SHOPPING LISTS - for PC DESKTOPs and LAPTOPs. Get the best price-to-quality ratio! CHECK OUT THE FEBRUARY DEAL$$$! Hardware or software, deals on technology: http://www.kahl.net/shopping ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ MY FORGETTER ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Vicky!] My forgetter's getting better But my rememberer is broke to you that may seem funny but, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who's that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. CAN YOU RELATE??? I don't remember who I sent this to.. BEER DRINKING LESSONS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Imon!] SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training. Demand beer. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender NEW GLOBALCOM CALLING RATES -------------------------------------------- GLOBALCOM has great LONG DISTANCE RATES! GO TO GLOBALCOM: http://www.kahl.net/global ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [With apologies to my mom] 1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." 2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!" 3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!" 4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me." 5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." 7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" 8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 10. My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?" 11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father." 12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" 13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." 14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....then you'll see what it's like" --------------------------------------- BARGAIN HUNTING IN THE AMAZON --------------------------------------------- Amazon.com now has an Outlet! The biggest bargains throughout the Amazon.com universe are here. > Up to 50% off toys and electronics and up to 60% off kitchen essentials > books for less than 5 bucks, CDs for less than $7, and a slew of videos for under $10? Using this link choose OUTLET from the Store Directory: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ========= JOKESITES ========= MOVE OVER ASK JEEVES, IT'S ASK JESUS! You gotta love this: http://www.askjesus.org/ Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers! Alex Kahl Consultants THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? Let Kahl Consultants help your business. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. KAHL CONSULTANTS Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ========== PUNCH LINE ========== YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY, BUT... -------------------------------------- [Thanks RC!] > The parachute company says you'll get a full refund. > They say the house didn't float very far at all. > We're all amazed that you go on living each day. > Well, at least the operation was a partial success. > The "National Enquirer" just loved those nude shots of you. > The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow. > The District Attorney says he only has a few more questions. > At least the passenger side air bag inflated. > Jenny Jones wants you for this "secret admirer show." > The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars. > At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did. > The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T-Bird. > The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers. > Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it. > The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally. > Just imagine if you're ex-wife had had a good lawyer. > Look on the bright side, those fertility drugs worked 6 times better than expected! {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <