JokeFlash MARCH-APRIL 2002 | Vol.4, No. 3-4 Read KC JokeFlash! Stay silly in a craaaaazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. ========== NEWSJOKES ========== BOVINE ECONOMICS (OR HOW TO EXPLAIN ENRON TO YOUR KIDS) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Andrew!] TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have 2 cows, News limited buys them for an inflated price. They eat clover for months and produce nothing. Rupert gets pissed off at another one of his children. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. A HINDU CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. AN ISRAELI CORPORATION So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people? A WELSH CORPORATION You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute... ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull. KC TECHSHOP ----------------- Freshly squeezed DEAL$ on technology! * MONEY-SAVING RANKINGS Best sites for comparison shopping and reviews. * "SWEET SPOT" SHOPPING LISTS DESKTOPs and LAPTOPs. Best price-to-quality! * GREEN PC Section DEAL$ on Technology: http://www.kahl.net/shopping ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A golfer helps out a leprechaun. The leprechaun offers to return the favor. The golfer says thank you, but he has everything he needs. The leprechaun decides that the golfer was such a nice man that he'd give him three things that he'd want. So, he gave him an endless supply of money, a great golf game, and a great sex life. A few weeks later, the leprechaun saw the man on the golf course again. The leprechaun asked about the man's golf game. He said it was great. He shoots at or below par on every hole. The leprechaun asks how he's doing financially. The man says it is just amazing; every time he puts his hand in his pocket, he pulls out a $100 bill. The leprechaun asks about the man's sex life. The man replies that he has sex about twice a week. The leprechaun is shocked. He asks again. The man replies that it may not be much for a leprechaun, but that's pretty good for a Catholic priest in a small parish. TALK IS CHEAP ------------------- We at GlobalCom recommend excellent products we personally test and use. Here is a prepaid long distance service that rocks! Try this calling card for long distance calls. From home as well as on the road. We know you'll love it. Visit GlobalCom to learn more: http://www.kahl.net/global/ ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== GERMLISH ~~~~~~~~~ Here is help for Germans trying to pronounce English words... Englisch-klares "a" Fehlerhaftes "deutsch" Englisch acts of love eggs of love (Liebeseier?) Al Gore El Gore - el ist Spanisch, nicht Englisch Planet Hollywood Plennit Hollywood Balmoral Bellmoral Drag Queen Dreck Queen (zwei Fehler auf einmal) New Haven New heaven - neuer Himmel? Mandelson Mendelson - kann man durchgehen lassen Garry Gerry - different name Jet lag jet leg - jetbein? franchise Frenchise - Franzose? crash Cresh - eine Art Kindergarten mass Mess - what a mess! Batman bedmen - mann muss schon dumm sein! fashion Feshion - wie in Deutschland passion pession water rats water reds - Wasser rote? apple Aepple - deutscher Schnaps rank renk track treck - grundverschiedene Woerter cap caep pat Pet - Haustier hat trick head trick - Kopftrick? Alan Ellen - Maedchenname action eckschen flash in the pan flesh in the pen - Fleisch im Fueller? Admirals cup Edmirals Cup Baltic Sea Beltic Sea handy haendy Isle of Man Isle of Men (man bitte nicht mit men verwechseln) Manchester Menchester buy back buy beck - kleiner Fluss reality reellity rally relly Pan Am Pan Em Alchemy Elkeme Goldman Sachs Goldman Sex Rund um den Kettwalk or catwalk? Nasdaq - nessdeck - lochness monster? Is it flash or flesh - who knows? Shareholder vellue - never heard of such a word. WAP-WEB-WEB-WAP sounds all the same when Germans say it. What is a homepage? Very confusing for Germans. Only one's personal Website is a homepage or the incoming page to a website is called Homepage. Business sites are called "Website". Attachment Ateschment - far from it!! Wap handy Wepp haendy Wir haben die notwendige "Power" um T-Online erfolgreich zu machen - Germans are almighty? Hacker Hecker - hiding behind a hedge? Flat rate Flett rate Tom Hanks (actor) Tom Hengst Hacker and Crecker German cheese biscuits Brad Pitt Brett Pitt - ein Brett vor dem Kopf? Handy Germans? or maybe handycapped? German handy culture - a secret word only understood in Germany Love parade Laugh parade Black box bleckbox - a kind of metalbox? Jackpot Jaeckpot - Deutscher "Narr" aus dem Kohlenpot caught in the act caught in the egged Grand-Slam Match Grend Slem Metch tackle teckle airbag airbeck - Luft-Fluesschen? pad pet Gatwick getwick - get away? Max Mex Janet Jennet Cadilac Ceddileg relaxed releggs ban ben - name patrol car petrol car banker Baenker actually ecktually laptop lepptop Space Wagon Space Weggen mini Van Mini Wenn? challenge chellenge band bent - heisst schwul (auch das "d" wird oft als "t" ausgesprochen) chat show shetshow - Huetten Show ---------------------------------- DEALS FROM THE AMAZON ---------------------------------- This just in: our real handy Tools & Hardware Deal: LEATHERMAN Juice C2 Inferno Multitool List Price: $59.99 Our Price: ONLY $44.99 You Save: $15.00 (25%) From Leatherman's new Juice line of multitools, the metallic red C2 Inferno features the sleekest, most compact profile. Makes a great gift for boy scouts and MacGyver clones everywhere. Wanna drool all over it? Click right here on this Amazon.com link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000059GTH/kahlconsultants/ Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers! Alex Kahl Consultants THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let KC help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. KAHL CONSULTANTS Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== LIFE'S LESSONS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks RC!] 1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 4. A penny saved is a government oversight. 5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 7. He who hesitates is probably right. 8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? 12. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. 13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? 14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. 15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened. 17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors.. but they all have to learn to live in the same box. 18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 20. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. 21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed. 22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. 23. If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. 24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. 27. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing. 28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. 29. We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails. {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <