JokeFlash 4/2000 | Kahl Consultants | Vol.2, No.4 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. ===== NEWS ===== WARNING!!! YOUR PRIVACY AT STAKE!!! ------------------------------------------------------ You won't believe THIS! I found a site that has ALL of the driver's license photos, old and new, from every DMV database in the USA! I was floored! The company, AsWeSeeIt, won a court ruling which gave them the right to post OUR PICTURES on the net. TALK ABOUT BIG BROTHER! Go to the AsWeSeeIt site, and search for your license photo, and I'm certain your reaction will be the same as mine! Please go to this website as soon as possible: http://www.asweseeit.com/616LicenseForm.htm ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ WELL, ISN'T THAT NICE ------------------------------- [Thanks Peter] Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman continued "When my second child was born my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive." Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" The second woman replied "My husband sent me to charm school." "Charm school!" the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?" The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'who gives a $&*!', I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice.'" ------------------------------------- OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS ------------------------------------- [Thanks R.C.] WOMEN: 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. 2. Drink a cup of coffee. 3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. MEN: 1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. 12. Clean up. 13. Have another beer while oil is draining. 14. Look for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off. 16. Beer. 17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18. 20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24. Remember drain plug from step 11. 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor. 27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. 28. Bang head on floor board in reaction. 29. Begin cussing fit. 30. Throw wrench. 31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992. 32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. 33. Beer. 34. Beer. 35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. 36. Beer. 37. Lower car from jack stands 38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands 39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 40. Drive car HOWDY Y'ALL! -------------------- So many deals for your phone calls, how to choose the best? See what Global Com offers! Please support JokeFlash and visit your agent Alex Kahl at GlobalCom: http://www.kahl.net/global ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== [Thanks Marian!] SYDNEY STUPIDITY ------------------------- Classic questions asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site. I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy) I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue?(Germany) (More likely brown, considering the effluent...) Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) (Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...) Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) (Depends on how much beer you've consumed...) Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany) (Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.) I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) (Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for this October...) Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) (And accomplish what?) It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) (I'm not touching this one...) My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa) (Why? We do have toilet paper here...) Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal) Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK) Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) (Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...) Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) (No. Everybody stinks.) Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany) (Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...) Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) (This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...) Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) (Yes. Gay nightclubs.) Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) (Yes. At Christmas.) Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany) (Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.) Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) (Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.) Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) (What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?) Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) (Another blonde?) Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) (I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia) Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) (Face North and you should be about right) Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) (Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.) I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) (From Liz Taylor, perhaps?) Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy) (Yes. Outdoors.) I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) --------------------------------------- AMAZIN' EXPANDING AMAZON --------------------------------------- Forget the mall! Buy online at Amazon! Get some dirt cheap books, music and much more now. Grab some comics or other funny literature for 20% off or more! PLEASE SUPPORT JOKEFLASH by using this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ========= JOKESITES ========= April Fools! -------------- Wanna fool somebody? Try this site: http://206.129.140.93/ Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers, Alex Kahl Consultants Humor. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== GORILLA KILLA -------------------- [Thanks Peter!] A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in her tree. She looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?" "Male," she replies. "Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states. An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the woman some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will go to bite the gorilla's testicles. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him." The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua." {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Please forward JokeFlash to your best friends. Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <