JokeFlash 4/2001 | Vol.3, No. 4 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. ========= NEWSJOKE ========= LADIES: BRABALL NEEDS YOUR SUPPORT ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Val!] Emily Duffy needs your bras for her BraBall sculpture! Until April 14 you can send them to the artist who needs them to protect her "Bra Ball" idea from being stolen. So donate your old bras to Emily's piece, where they will take on new life as a work of art! The sculpture, which resembles a giant rubber band ball, is "surprisingly rollable, definitely not liftable. . . . It's like a really dense meatball." Bra contributions can be mailed to P.O. Box 1555 El Cerrito, CA 94530 USA Read the S.F. Chronicle article for details: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2001/03/16/EB158346.DTL NIKE DOESN'T LIKE SWEATSHOPS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Patrick!] NIKE now lets you personalize your shoes! You submit a word or phrase and they stitch it onto your shoes, under the swoosh. Jonah Peretti sent Nike $50 to stitch "SWEATSHOP" onto his shoes. Here is the email exchange.... -------------------------------- From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000 Your NIKE iD order was canceled for one or more of the following reasons: 1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other intellectual property 2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do not have the legal right to use 3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any personalization? 4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and besides, your mother would slap us. If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at Thank you, NIKE iD -------------------------------- From: "Jonah H. Peretti" To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" Greetings, My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any of the criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes was the word "sweatshop." Sweatshop is not: 1) another's party's trademark, 2) the name of an athlete, 3) blank, or 4) profanity. I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of the children that made my shoes. Could you please ship them to me immediately. Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti -------------------------------- From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" < To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" Dear NIKE iD Customer, Your NIKE iD order was canceled because the iD you have chosen contains, as stated in the previous e-mail correspondence, "inappropriate slang". If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at nike.com Thank you, NIKE iD -------------------------------- From: "Jonah H. Peretti" To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" Dear NIKE iD, Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt customer service, I disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang. After consulting Webster's Dictionary, I discovered that "sweatshop" is in fact part of standard English, and not slang. The word means: "a shop or factory in which workers are employed for long hours at low wages and under unhealthy conditions" and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does meet the criteria detailed in your first email. Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is "about freedom to choose and freedom to express who you are." I share Nike's love of freedom and personal expression. The site also says that "If you want it done right...build it yourself." I was thrilled to be able to build my own shoes, and my personal iD was offered as a small token of appreciation for the sweatshop workers poised to help me realize my vision. I hope that you will value my freedom of expression and reconsider your decision to reject my order. Thank you, Jonah Peretti -------------------------------- From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" < < To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" Dear NIKE iD Customer, Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE iD web site that "Nike reserves the right to cancel any personal iD up to 24 hours after it has been submitted". In addition, it further explains: "While we honor most personal iDs, we cannot honor every one. Some may be (or contain) other's trademarks, or the names of certain professional sports teams, athletes or celebrities that Nike does not have the right to use. Others may contain material that we consider inappropriate or simply do not want to place on our products. Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal iDs that may otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you know if we decline your personal iD, and we will offer you the chance to submit another." With these rules in mind, we cannot accept your order as submitted. If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at Thank you, NIKE iD -------------------------------- From: "Jonah H. Peretti" To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" Dear NIKE iD, Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I have decided to order the shoes with a different iD, "by Ming Li". Also, could you please send me a POLAROID of the ten-year-old Vietnamese girl who makes my shoes? Thanks, Jonah Peretti NO response... KC TECHSHOP ----------------- Forget the SweatShop! Shop at the TechShop! * MONEY-SAVING RANKINGS - the very best sites for comparison shopping, reviews and infos. * "SWEET SPOT" SHOPPING LISTS - for PC DESKTOPs and LAPTOPs. Get the best price-to-quality ratio! APRIL DEAL$: HP DeskJet 648C Color Inkjet Printer ONLY $69.99 (after rebate) Canon MultiPASS MPC530 five-in-one printer, copier, fax, phone, scanner ONLY $99.99 (refurbished) Hardware or software, deals on technology: http://www.kahl.net/shopping ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ PHONE FUN ~~~~~~~~~~ Pick up your phone and call National Discount Brokers for a good laugh. 1. Dial 1-800-888-3999 2. Listen for the recorded option # 7 3. Hit 7 MEDICAL TERM ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." TELL ME THIS IS NO JOKE! --------------------------------- GLOBALCOM has great new LONG DISTANCE RATES! VISIT GLOBALCOM for great LONG DISTANCE RATES: http://www.kahl.net/global ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== CLASSIC WRITTEN EXCUSES FROM SCHOOL ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The following are some classic written excuses given to teachers in the Alburquerque public school system: "Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33." "Please excuse Dianne from being absent yeaterday. She was in bed with gramps." "Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault." "Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side." "John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face." "Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor." "Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over." "My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him." "Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part." "My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines." "Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip." "Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels." "Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night." "Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating." "George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach." "Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout." "Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot." "Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals." "Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had Diah (*crossed out*), diahoah (*crossed out*), dyah (*crossed out*), the shits." AMAZON BARGAIN HUNTING ------------------------------------ The biggest bargains in the Amazon.com universe are at their Outlet. * Up to 50% off toys and electronics and up to 60% off kitchen essentials * Books under 5 bucks, CDs under $7, and videos under $10 Use this link and choose OUTLET from the Store Directory: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ========= JOKESITES ========= NEWSPAPER CARTOONS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Daryl Cagle's "Professional Cartoonists Index" site has a humongous collection of newspaper editorial cartoons -the biggest on the web! Check out the current cartoons from 54 newspaper editorial cartoonists - great stuff from the best comic artists! CARTOONS FROM THE PROS: http://cagle.slate.msn.com/ Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers! Alex Kahl Consultants THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. KAHL CONSULTANTS Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== GOOD THOUGHTS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Dad!] If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a male ladybug? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work? Why is a bra singular and panties plural? If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil? If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? If Buttercups are yellow, are hiccups burple? If you sleepwalk, can you get your rest and exercise at the same time? {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <