JokeFlash 5/2000 | Kahl Consultants | Vol.2, No.5 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. STOP!! C'mon, ========= NEWSJOKE ========= Rocky The Frying Squirrel --------------------------- Entergy Corp. crews have begun installing special devices on power lines to prevent squirrels from damaging transformersas part of a decade-long effort to "out-fox" squirrels. Entergy spokesman Robert Lesley: "The hardest thing to tell someone is that their power outage was caused by a squirrel" [Jackson Clarion-Ledger, April 24] ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ CARDS YOU'RE NOT LIKELY TO SEE! ----------------------------------------------- [Thanks RC!] "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell 'til I met you." "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the &?%# was I thinking?" "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!" "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine." "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike! "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise." "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits." "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?" "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep." ELEVATOR HAPPENINGS ------------------------------ [Thanks Stu!] 1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. 2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. 4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on. 5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" 6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" 7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. 9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play. 10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking. 11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. 12) Ask, "Did you feel that?" 13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. 14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again." 15) Swat at flies that don't exist. 16) Tell people that you can see their aura. 17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it. 18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" 19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?" 20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly. 22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. 23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. 24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on." 26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!" HOWDY Y'ALL! -------------------- So many deals for your phone calls, how to choose the best? See what Global Com offers! Travel much? Get the VoiceNet calling card! Now offers domestic call from ANY phone in the USA for only 6.9 cents/min! That's it! No more expensive calls! Check out this offer AND MANY MORE! Please support JokeFlash and visit your agent Alex Kahl at GlobalCom: http://www.kahl.net/global Comprehending Engineers --------------------------- [Thanks Mike!] A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful princess." He went over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I`ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I`ve told you I`m a beautiful princess, that I`ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won`t you kiss me?" The main said, "Look, I`m a Software Engineer. I`m not interested in a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== MAKE THAT A DOUBLE FOR ME ------------------------------------------ [Thanks RC!] Men in the US who drink alcohol receive about 7% higher wages than do abstainers, according to data from the national Household Survey on Drug Abuse (United States Department of Health and Human Services). Women who drink receive about three and one-half percent higher wages than do abstainers. And as a side note, a quote by Jay Leno: "The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be designated driver." --------------------------------------- AMAZIN' EXPANDING AMAZON --------------------------------------- Forget the mall! Buy online at Amazon! Get some dirt cheap books, music and much more now. Grab some comics or other funny literature for 20% off or more! PLEASE SUPPORT JOKEFLASH by using this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ========= JOKESITES ========= DULL MEN'S CLUB ---------------------- Who comes up with this stuff? Definitely check out their USA Presidential Campaign 2000 section. Do you know any dull men? Send them this link: http://www.dullmen.com/ TV CARTOONS ------------------ Some of the best shows on TV are cartoons. Here are my two favorites - both are packed with funny animations: The Simpsons http://www.thesimpsons.com/ South Park http://www.comedycentral.com/southpark/ Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers, Alex Kahl Consultants Humor. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== YEE HAW! -------------- A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. The passer by asked him why he bought that kind of dog. The cowboy answer, "somebody told me to get along little doggie." DID YOU HEAR... -------------------- Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog. {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Please forward JokeFlash to your best friends. Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <