JokeFlash MAY 2001 | Vol.3, No. 5 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. ========= NEWSJOKE ========= SMELLY SNEAKERS CONTEST ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An 11-year-old girl has won a smelly sneakers competition in the US, beating off seven other contestants. Rebekah Fahey, from New Mexico, won a $500 savings bond and a trip to New York after winning the Odour Eaters rotten sneaker contest in Vermont. She will also have the honour of having her shoes enshrined in a sealed Hall of Fumes, a mobile display of past winning entries. Judges had to smell heels, tongues, grommets and laces as they tried to pick a winner. The event started out as a fun contest in 1975 to help a local sporting goods store sell shoes. The local recreation department ran the contest for several years, but it gained notoriety in 1988 when Odour-Eaters sponsored the event. FOOT-AND-MOUTH: FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MS OUTLOOK ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus. "Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.... Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth. KC TECHSHOP ----------------- Shop at the TechShop! * MONEY-SAVING RANKINGS - we list the best sites for comparison shopping, reviews and infos. * "SWEET SPOT" SHOPPING LISTS - for PC DESKTOPs and LAPTOPs. Get the best price-to-quality ratio! http://www.kahl.net/shopping 10 REASONS TO DRILL FOR OIL IN THE ARCTIC WILDLIFE REFUGE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Who doesn't want to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge? It'll be fun! We will wear special outfits, and when the oil gets in our mustaches, we'll take silly pictures and send them as postcards. The future, now more than ever, is a vast, inky utopia. Babies will squeal with delight and Alaskan koalas will slip in the oil in the most adorable ways. Sadly, some people (generally sex offenders, future studies are likely to reveal) oppose the drilling plan. Despite the guaranteed fun, these party poopers continue to drag their bare and frequently unwashed feet. Drilling will "ruin" the site for no more than six months' worth of oil, they complain. Well, it goes without saying that six months -- half a year -- is a long time; in some cultures, it's actually considered closer to 15 years. But if slipping koalas and 15 years of energy pleasure aren't enough, here are 10 more glistening reasons to plunge a masculine drill into Alaska's "Opportunity Refuge": 10. PENICILLIN II. Those opposed to progress complain that an oil spill on Alaska's North Slope is reported every 18 hours. Needless to say, a "spill" is a mistake, and a mistake is simply a challenge -- if Copernicus hadn't made a "mistake," he never would have discovered penicillin. 9. CARIBOU. Sure, they're cute in small numbers. But unchecked, their population will swell and they'll make their way down to our proud cities. These hair-covered immigrants will eat our food and steal our jobs. 8. THAT SPARKLY SHINE. The quiet beauty of a parking lot oil puddle -- the mesmerizing colors, the blackest black -- can now be a little less quiet. Picture a proud musk ox admiring a shiny acre of oil: This is Mother Nature saying, "We just upped the ante!" 7. THE CHILDREN. Think of the children, who love oil with all their precious hearts. We must leave no child behind. Children are our most precious resource. Ban drilling and face their deep, wordless grief. 6. PROGRESS. Tired of non-large vehicles that fit, pitifully, in a single parking space? Soon we'll have enough oil to fuel four mega-SUVs per household, larger than ever, with enough left over to dump on our enemies' heads. America's trucks will be so big that even the popular girls, with those tiny backpacks, will like us. 5. SEALS. They're fat. Sure, their faces may be mildly cute, but look at their midsections. Pure blubber. Who bends over backward to save blubber? Fools, that's who. 4. COMMON SENSE. The world's largest oil rig sank Tuesday, jeopardizing the 400,000 gallons of crude oil and diesel fuel that were aboard. We must drill for more oil to replace what was lost this week. And if we spill that, we will drill elsewhere. This can continue indefinitely, according to most data. 3. PENGUINS. There aren't any in Alaska. Drilling will allow penguins to be as free as ever. Who doesn't love the way they walk? Who doesn't love freedom? 2. THE BIBLE. The good book clearly tells us to support the oil companies. It's in there. Look toward the middle. This is a faith-based energy policy. 1. MONEY. Every dime of profit will be donated to charity. Swear to God. [Source: Chris Colin, Grist] ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2050 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. Florida to Be Readmitted to Union 2. Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen 3. Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges 4. 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss 5. Baby Conceived Naturally 6. It Wasn't the Cigarettes - It Was the Ashtrays 7. Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were "Just For Fun" 8. Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past with US President 9. Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. "This Is True Love," He Beams. 10. Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In D.C. 11. President "Bonecrusher" Jones to Face Chief Justice "Mad Dog" Ortega In Cage Match 12. Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens 13. Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife 14. Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants 15. Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders 16. D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow 17. Authentic "Year 2000 Florida Chad" Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's and the most 'expected' HEADLINE in the YEAR 2050? NURSING HOME LAWSUIT CASE: CLINTON DENIES CANDY STRIPER'S ALLEGATIONS TELL ME THIS IS NOT A JOKE! ------------------------------------ GLOBALCOM has great LONG DISTANCE RATES! VISIT GLOBALCOM for great LONG DISTANCE RATES: http://www.kahl.net/global ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== MATH RIDDLE ~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Dad!] This riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD and NOT using paper and pencil. Try it... it's wierd. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? (Scroll down for the answer) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check it out with a calculator or on paper. The brain sure knows how to play little tricks on us! HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Teri!] Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries... it's a long walk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOTS AT WORK... Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOTS & COMPUTERS My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. --------------------------------------- BARGAIN HUNTING IN THE AMAZON --------------------------------------------- Amazon.com now has an Outlet! The biggest bargains throughout the Amazon.com universe are here. > Up to 50% off toys and electronics and up to 60% off kitchen essentials > books for less than 5 bucks, CDs for less than $7, and a slew of videos for under $10? Using this link choose OUTLET from the Store Directory: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ========= JOKESITES ========= LOVING CARE FOR THE TECHNICALLY SPARE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SatireWire calls itself "New Satire For The New Economy". See how they make fun of NURSING HOMES in a hilarious spoof: http://www.satirewire.com/ Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers! Alex Kahl Consultants THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. KAHL CONSULTANTS Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== NEW WORDS ~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Sainam!] The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! 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