JokeFlash MAY-JUNE 2002 | Vol.4, No. 4-5 Read KC JokeFlash! Stay silly in a craaaaazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. ========== NEWSJOKES ========== PEANUT BUTTER FLAVORED POOP ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Spring in Anchorage brings piles of dog poop that emerge before the daffodils do, foul shoe bombs that spread disease, attract flies and foul waterways. This spring, municipal officials say, they'll consider anything and everything to get dog owners to clean up after their pets. Even putting peanut butter on the piles they leave behind. "Somebody makes a peanut butter dispenser that puts a dab on the stuff," said Jim Posey, city parks director. "You only have to do it for a short period of time because when everybody realizes what their dog is really eating there out in the bushes, there's that camaraderieship, I-like-my-dog-to-lick-me-in-the-face thing." The nutty idea is something Posey heard about third-hand. But at least one city in the Lower 48 -- Coeur d'Alene, Idaho -- found the peanut butter principle worked, he said. Dog groups agree something needs to be done. But they pan the peanut butter idea. "Who's going to put the peanut butter on the dog poop?" asked Bob Brock, a local skijorer who runs his German short-hair pointers on local trails. "Are we going to have a ministry of dog poop?" Dogs can also pick up parasites and diseases from eating fecal matter, says Kirsten Ballard, president of the Anchorage skijor club. "Some of 'em are already tootsie-crunchers as it is. We're trying to break that habit." YAKKITY YAK... --------------------- Get great LONG DISTANCE RATES with GLOBALCOM prepaid calling. * Even works worldwide (via web enabled CALLBACK)! * No Monthly Fees! No Hidden Fees! Talk for hours...we know you'll love Click4Prepaid from GLOBALCOM: http://www.kahl.net/global/ ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ USA STATE MOTTOS [Thanks Evelyn] Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic than Your Honda Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only the Kennedy's Don't Own It --Yet Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals In Our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things with Corn Kansas: First of the Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line Of Defense from the Canadians Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, Fast Driving, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Hookers and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto?I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney ... North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States! Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese Wyoming: Where Men Are Men, Women are Few and Far Between, ... and sheep are nervous KC TECHSHOP ------------------ Shop naked! Online at the KC TechShop! * MONEY-SAVING RANKINGS Best sites for comparison shopping and reviews. * "SWEET SPOT" SHOPPING LISTS DESKTOPs and LAPTOPs. Best price-to-quality! * GREEN PC Section Deal$ on Technology: http://www.kahl.net/shopping ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== SENIOR CITIZEN ADS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks RC!] As seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?): FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. PRETTY WEIRD SPAM ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yes, we actually found this in our In Box: Subject: Attention: Seeking 100 Lazy people fsc From: "Low Pressure Assoc." To: LAZY people - ONLY-@-yahoo.com We are desperately looking for 100 lazy people who wish to make lots of money without working. We are not looking for people who are self-motivated. We are not looking for people who join every 'get rich quick' scheme offered on the internet. We are not looking for class presidents, beautiful people, career builders or even college graduates. We don't even want union workers or trade school graduates. We want the laziest people that exist - the men and women who expect to make money without lifting a finger. We want the people who stay in bed until noon. We want those of you who think that getting out of bed to go lay on the couch is an effort that is best not thought about. If you meet this criteria, go to: qsuccesswithouteffort-@-yahoo.com and type in the Subject Line the following words: "I do not want to work". In fact, if you are so lazy that typing those words in the Subject line is an effort, than don't bother. Just click on the email and we'll know that you want us to send you the domain name anyhow, because then we will be absolutely certain that you are the kind of person we want. In case you haven't figured it out yet, we want the kind of people who DO NOT take risks. If you are the kind of person who will consider doing something that's NOT a 'sure thing', then do NOT respond. This is too easy a way to make money and there's no challenge in it. If you can get to the website that we are going to email you, you will be able to see the first home business in history that requires no work. NONE. By clicking on this email and then going to this website, you will be telling us that you want to make enough money that you can quit your regular job and sleep all day. We are not looking for a commitment from you and we don't even want your money. As a matter of fact, we don't even want you to hear from us again if the idea of making lots of money without working does not interest you. So this is the first and last email we will ever send you. That is a promise. So if nothing else, remember this - to make money without working for it just send an email with the following words in the subject line: "I do not want to work" to: qsuccesswithouteffort-@-yahoo.com and we will email you back with the website that gives you information on the best of both worlds - a way to make money without having to work. We look forward to hearing from you. In all seriousness, Low Pressure Associate ========= JOKESITES ========= CATS IN THE KETTLE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Pops!] So have you heard the Kitty Chow Mein At The Peking Moon song? Here it is with a funny little flash animation thrown in: http://www.superlaugh.com/1/chowmein.htm Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers! Alex Kahl Consultants THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let KC help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. KAHL CONSULTANTS Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== DON'T EAT THE ADMIN ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a Telecom company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees". The cannibals promised. Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Admins has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shake their heads no. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the Admin?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and YOU had to go and eat the Admin!" {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <