JokeFlash 6/2000 | WORK PLACE SPECIAL | Kahl Consultants | Vol.2, No.6 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. ========= NEWSJOKE ========= KC ON TV! ------------- Need a good laugh? Watch Alex Kahl on TV! Making good use of that "other" popular medium, the TV, Alex Kahl will grace television screens ACROSS AMERICA on FRIDAY, JUNE 30th, 2000. Visit the Kahl Consultants website to find out where and when Alex will make a public fool of himself: http://www.kahl.net MILITARY INTELLIGENCE IS AN OXYMORON ------------------------------------------------------- The headline read: Italian map reading error cost delay in Nato exercise A simple map reading mistake caused a group of highly-trained Italian soldiers to arrive for Nato exercises in the wrong country. The mix-up was between Kristianstad in Sweden - where the crack troops landed - and Kristiansand in Norway, where they were meant to be. The soldiers sensed something was wrong at the airport when they were herded to passport control along with the ordinary travellers, where their guns, camouflage uniforms and heavy backpacks made them stand out. The airport director Lennart Nilsson said: "This happens now and then. After all, there are just a couple of letters - but 400 kilometres - separating the two cities." The border police pointed out the error, along with the fact that Sweden is not even a member of Nato like neighbouring Norway. So after two hours, the 116 members of the Italian alpine corps - wearing their trademark Tyrolean feathered caps - marched back aboard their transport plane. Mr Nilsson said his staff were unable to contain their laughter as the aircraft took off for Norway. The Alpini finally arrived for Nato's "Co-operative Banners" exercise in southern Norway, slightly late. What A Long, Strange Trip ... For Pigeons ------------------------------------------- Denver city officials "think they finally have found a weapon that works" in their "messy but unsuccessful" war against pigeons: hallucinogenic chemicals. The city has been feeding pigeons Avitrol, "which sends birds into convulsions, sometimes fatal, that scare away the rest of the flock." Critics, though, "are aghast." Jefferson Airplane singer Grace Slick: "I have considerable experience on the subject of mind-altering drugs, and I can tell you that Avitrol is not your run-of-the-mill hallucinogen. ... talk about a bad trip!" [Denver Post, April 23] ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ HOW TO REMAIN SANE AT WORK ----------------------------------------- 1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if you boss is of a different gender than you. 3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names: "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha." 4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." 5) Highlight your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. 6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge. 7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way. 8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. 9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that. 10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. 11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. 12) Put your trash can on your desk and label it: IN. 13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. 14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." 15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso. BANK ON THIS BUSTER! ----------------------------- My dear Bank Manager, I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.By my calculations some three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes. First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, chose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by personal cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of you branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application for Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phonebank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and be answered by an automated voice. By pressing the buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus: 1) To make an appointment to see me, 2) to query a missing repayment, 3) to make a general complaint or inquiry, and so on. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I have chosen a refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie: Oh the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for! After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone number service runs at 75 cents per minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come free), so keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your humble client. CALL YOUR BOSS! ---------------------- Need to phone the office from on the road? Impress your boss and choose the cheapest phone service! See what Global Com offers! Travel much? Get the VoiceNet calling card! Now offers domestic call from ANY phone in the USA for only 6.9 cents/min! That's it! No more expensive calls! Check out this offer AND MANY MORE! Please support JokeFlash and visit GlobalCom: http://www.kahl.net/global ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== LIP STICK TRICK --------------------- According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers and then there are Teachers...... --------------------------------------- AMAZIN' EXPANDING AMAZON --------------------------------------- Forget the crowded malls! Buy online at Amazon! Get some dirt cheap books, music and much more now. Grab some comics or other funny literature for 20% off or more! PLEASE SUPPORT JOKEFLASH by using this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ========= JOKESITES ========= The MMF Hall of Humiliation ------------------------------ It's a wee bit out of date, but so what! does a great job of "putting an end to online scammers, or at least laughing at them mercilessly"! http://ga.to/mmf/ Fry's Electronics Employment Application ------------------------------------------ This computer megastore is infamous for it's bad customer service. here is a hilarious form for all potential job applicants. http://www.best.com/~braith/frys.htm Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers, Alex Humor. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== ONE WITH EVERYTHING ------------------------------ Q: What did the zen buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? A: Make me one with everything! AND FINALLY.... Check out the LAST PAGE on the internet: http://www.kahl.net/lastpage.html {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Please forward JokeFlash to your best friends. Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <