JokeFlash JUNE 2001 | Vol.3, No. 6 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. ========= NEWSJOKE ========= MOTOROLA TO CUT WORKFORCE 120 PERCENT ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Motorola will reduce its workforce by an unprecedented 120 percent by the end of 2001, believed to be the first time a major corporation has laid off more employees than it actually has. Motorola stock soared more than 12 points on the news. The reduction decision, announced Wednesday, came after a year-long internal review of cost-cutting procedures, said Motorola Chairman and CEO Chris Galvin. The initial report concluded the company would save $1.2 billion by eliminating 20 percent of its 108,000 employees. >From there, said Chris, "it didn't take a genius to figure out that if we cut 40 percent of our workforce, we'd save $2.4 billion, and if we cut 100 percent of our workforce, we'd save $6 billion. But then we thought, why stop there? Let's cut another 20 percent and save $7 billion. "We believe in increasing shareholder value, and we believe that by decreasing expenditures, we enhance our competitive cost position and our bottom line," he added. Motorola plans to achieve the 100 percent internal reduction through layoffs, attrition and early retirement packages. To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-Motorola employees who presently work for other companies. "We pretty much picked them out of a hat," said Chris. Among firms Motorola has picked as "External Reduction Targets," or ERTs, are Quaker Oats, AMR Corporation, parent of American Airlines, Lockheed, Boeing, and Charles Schwab & Co. Motorola's plan presents a "win-win" for the company and ERTs, said Chris, as any savings by ERTs would be passed on to Motorola, while the ERTs themselves would benefit by the increase in stock price that usually accompanies personnel cutback announcements. "We're also hoping that since, over the years, we've been really helpful to a lot of companies, they'll do this for us kind of as a favor," said Chris. Legally, pink slips sent out by Motorola would have no standing at ERTs unless those companies agreed. While executives at ERTs declined to comment, employees at those companies said they were not inclined to cooperate. "This is ridiculous. I don't work for Motorola. They can't fire me," said Kaili Blackburn, a flight attendant with American Airlines. Reactions like that, replied Chris, "are not very sporting." Inspiration for Motorola ' s plan came from previous cutback initiatives, said company officials. In January of 1998, for instance, the company announced it would trim 18,000 jobs over two years. However, just a year later, Motorola said it had already reached its quota. "We were quite surprised at the number of employees willing to leave Motorola in such a hurry, and we decided to build on that," Chris said. Analysts credited Chris's short-term vision, noting that the announcement had the desired effect of immediately increasing Motorola 's share value. However, the long-term ramifications could be detrimental, said Bear Stearns analyst Beldon McInty. "It's a little early to tell, but by eliminating all its employees, Motorola may jeopardize its market position and could, at least theoretically, cease to exist," said McInty. Chris, however, urged patience: "To my knowledge, this hasn't been done before, so let's just wait and see what happens." KC TECHSHOP ----------------- Shop at the TechShop! MONEY-SAVING RANKINGS Best sites for comparison shopping and reviews. * "SWEET SPOT" SHOPPING LISTS DESKTOPs and LAPTOPs. Best price-to-quality! * GREEN PC Section Helps you save energy. JUNE DEAL$: * Umax 2000U USB SCANNER 600 x 1200 dpi ONLY $29.99 * EDUCATIONAL and GAMING Software from ONLY $3.96 * Logitech CORDLESS Keyboard & Mouse ONLY $89.99 Hardware or software, deals on technology: http://www.kahl.net/shopping ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ TIME'S UP! ~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Pops!] A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you." YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Robbie!] 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 16. Don't squat with your spurs on. 17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. 19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 24. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. 28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 29. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. NELSON MANDELA? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ {Thanks Grace!] Nelson Mandela is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!". Behind him is an truck full of car exhausts. Nelson says, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong guy", and shuts the door. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back, with a truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his board under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela is getting a bit pissed off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting, "You've got the wrong guy! I don't want them!", then slams the door. The following day Nelson hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors. Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says, "You not Nissan Maindealer?" ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== CAMPING TIPS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you're going CAMPING this summer be sure to follow these tips! * Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. * Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. * A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. * The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. * While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. * Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience. * You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass. * You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. * The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians. * When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. * Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone. * A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. * A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. * In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear. * The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling. * The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle. * It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home. * Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears. * When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. * In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate More CAMPING tips are at: http://www.kahl.net/camping --------------------------------------- BARGAIN HUNTING IN THE AMAZON --------------------------------------------- Amazon.com has an Outlet! Their biggest bargains are here. * Up to 50% off toys and electronics and up to 60% off kitchen essentials * Books under 5 bucks, CDs under $7, and videos under $10 Here's the link. Choose OUTLET from the Store Directory: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants HOW AMERICA WORKS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Let's see if I understand how America works lately . . . If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender. If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline. So... if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK? ========= JOKESITES ========= Flashy Simpsons ~~~~~~~~~~~ You gotta check out this hilarious site which focusses on the Simpsons Halloween specials. It has some really great flash animation: http://www.blunderdome.com/ Flashy Martial Arts Stick Figures ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Whoever did this flash animation was watching too many Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan movies. And they probably saw "The Matrix" a hundred times. Pure genius! http://www.embeddedcifs.com/fight.swf Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers! Alex Kahl Consultants THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. KAHL CONSULTANTS Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter: "Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has come to tell you about the flowers and the bees. There is a male and a female bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which. As for the flowers - we get ours from the Plaza Florist. Well, that takes care of that. Write soon, affectionately, Father {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Remember, the best things in life are free. |<