KC JOKEFLASH         JUNE 2003     |    Vol.5, No. 6

Stay silly in a craaaaazy world.
Read JokeFlash:
http://www.kahl.net/jokeflash/

0nLy ThE f1nE5T rEİYİLeD j0|<E$ f0r @LLl @Ge5.


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NEWSJOKES
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GIVE US THIS DAY OUR BIG MAC AND DELIVER US FROM EVIL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
McDonald's became an official sponsor of Pope John Paul II.

The infamous fast food chain provided food for a multitude: the 500,000 faithful Spaniards who showed up for a May 21 "pray-in" with the pope at a Madrid airport.
Believers received a "pilgrim's bag," with rosary, prayer book, cap and vouchers for burger, fries, soft drink and a baked apple pie.



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!!JOKEFLASH!!
============
WHY ENGLISH IS SO HARD TO LEARN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Thanks Alan!]

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2)The farm was used to produce produce

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) I did not object to the object.

9) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

10) They were too close to the door to close it.

11) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

12) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

13) I shed my clothes in the shed.

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, incidentally, isn't a race at all)

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And thanks to Microsoft, when you want to shut down your PC:
You have to hit "START"!
 



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GIVE IT 100%
~~~~~~~~~~~
[Thanks Tracy!]

Ever wonder about people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about
achieving 103 %? Here is a little math that might prove helpful.  

What makes life 100%?

If:
A  B  C  D  E  F  G  H  I  J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T  U  V  W  X Y   Z
Is represented as :

1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:
H  A  R  D  W  O  R  K = 8   1  18  4   23  15  18 11 = 98%.

K  N  O  W  L  E  D  G  E  = 11 14 15 23 12  5  4   7  5 = 96%

But, A  T  T  I  T  U  D  E = 1  20 20 9 20 21  4  5 = 100%

And, B  U  L  L  S  H  I  T = 2  21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
Attitude will get you there, and Bullshit will take you over the top.

But look how far ass kissing will take you.
A  S  S  K  I  S  S  I  N  G = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%.

So the next time someone ask you to give more than 100%, you know what is required of you.



==============================
TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION
==============================
MAN SPEAKS WITH FORKED TONGUE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not much can shock Howard Stern. But Steven MacKay did.

MacKay stuck his tongue out on Stern's radio show. It wasn't the act that stunned Stern, who had MacKay on the show to promote his band. Rather, it was MacKay's tongue, which was forked like a snake's.

Stern took off his glasses, and asked in an amazed voice, "So you cut your tongue in half?" The Stern encounter is "definitely something I am proud of," MacKay said.

MacKay, 24, the manager of a women's clothing and shoestore, is one of a growing number of Americans who have had their tongues split about half an inch right down the middle. They do it, they say, for the same reasons people get tattoos or body piercings: to enhance their appearance.

There are various techniques: a surgical laser used by medical professionals; thread tied through a piercing in the middle of the tongue, essentially boring into it over a period of days or weeks; or a scalpel, followed by a battery-operated cautery pen to control bleeding, Larratt said. The procedure is reversible by suturing the tongue back together, although the reversal may be much more painful and take longer to heal than the initial splitting.

MacKay said he wanted his tongue split after seeing some people who had the procedure. Until then, he just had a ring in his nose and one in his tongue.

"I liked the idea of being able to control the muscles," he said. "It's the idea of modifying to a point where you almost have an extra appendage."

His tongue was split about half an inch by a body-piercing friend. The piercer removed MacKay's tongue ring and looped a piece of fishing line through the hole. The line was tied and kept in place for about two days, MacKay said.

When it was removed, a straight line could be seen. The piercer then used a cautery pen to cut down the middle. The pen prevented bleeding, but there was still a lot of pain. It felt like "a dentist's hook on fire with acid on it," MacKay said. No anesthesia was used.

For a week after the procedure, MacKay ate normally, although he did have some sensation problems.

"No matter how warm water was, it was too cold," he said. "I was drinking milk."

But the problems subsided, and today he has no sensation problems, he said.

"When I kiss a girl, I can feel my tongue grab hers," he said. "It is a very weird and cool sensation."

Full article and photo at:
http://www.bayarea.com/mld/mercurynews/news/weird_news/6003636.htm

 
 
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=========
JOKESITES
=========
SCAM THE SCAMMER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you received a Nigerian 419 Scam letter? You know, the one from someone in Africa who needs your help to get millions out of the county? You have? Join the club!

The bait is the fictional millions described in these letters. The goal is to get you to cough up money for "expenses" required to transfer millions to you.
Sometimes, the victim is lured to Nigeria, where even worse things happen.

Similar letters are now cropping up from everywhere - for example a woman in Brunei is trying the same scam albeit with a slight twist. The bottom line is always the same in these scams - you are supposed to help a complete stranger and then be handsomely rewarded. Thousands of gullible people are swindled this way every year.
A site called SCAMORAMA is dedicated to scam artists, in particular the to infamous "419 ADVANCE FEE FRAUD" scammers from Nigeria.

They have plenty of scam letters and replies to read, and one of the funniest email dialogues is between a scammer and a person who scams the scammer for three bucks! Take a look:

http://www.scamorama.com/threebucks.html
Remember kids, play it safe on the net. Don't trust internet fairy tales. Scan for virii and verify your emails here:
http://www.kahl.net/hoax
 
 
 
Thanks to all who wrote in.
If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. 

Cheers!
Alex

KC JOKEFLASH
Online: http://www.kahl.net/jokeflash/
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==============
THE PUNCH LINE
==============
LIFE EXPLAINED
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Thanks Peter!]

On the first day God created the cow. God said "You must go to the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of
sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other
forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I
will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too
long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other
ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said "Entertain people,
do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life
span." The monkey said "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay"
and God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have
sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll
take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay" said God. "You've got a deal.

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have
fun, enjoy, and do nothing, for the next forty years we slave in the sun
to support our family, for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain our grandchildren, and for the last ten years we sit in front
of the house and bark at everybody.

Life is now explained.



 
{¨}

If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably.
Share this warm feeling with others!!


Remember, the best things in life are free.

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