JokeFlash 7/2000 | Kahl Consultants | Vol.2, No.7 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. NOW ON THE WEB AT: http://www.kahl.net/jokeflash ========= NEWSJOKE ========= WHO YA GONNA CALL? ----------------------------- LONDON (Reuters) - Ghostbusters went hunting on Saturday for King Henry VIII's beheaded wife who is said to wander amid the splendors of Hampton Court Palace. "There's definitely a ghost here -- lots of people have seen things -- so there is a plenty of interest in how this goes," a spokeswoman at the royal palace told Saturday's Guardian newspaper. So a team of ghostbusters armed with temperature gauges and cameras are to survey the palace where Catherine Howard -- Henry's fifth wife and the second to be executed -- was held before being taken to the Tower of London. Richard Wiseman, a lecturer at the University of Hertfordshire which is organizing the search, said Catherine was believed to have made a desperate attempt to escape from the palace before her execution. He will use thermal imaging to locate possible "cold spots" and invite tourists to join a royal "goose-pimples trail." ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ [Thanks Dad!] STATE DEPARTMENT TRAVEL ADVISORY -------------------------------------------------- By Christopher Buckley, editor of Forbes FYI magazine. Q: What precautions should Americans take while traveling overseas? A: As a general rule, Americans should refrain from appearing "American." This can be accomplished in a variety of ways, by not being 40 pounds overweight, not arguing loudly about football (futbol), not boasting about having made $1.3 billion on an IPO, not wearing obscenely themed T-shirts,not calling waiters "sir," and not referring to the last 100 Years as "The American Century." Q: How can I appear more "foreign"? A: The French do this by denouncing hamburgers (le hamburger); the Italians by electing a new prime minister every third Tuesday; the Swedes by manufacturing cars with airbags in the ashtrays. Americans may find it easier to speak a foreign language. Q: Like most Americans, I have studied a foreign language since fourth Grade and can still only say, "The pen of my aunt is in the pocket of her third husband, who has four sisters." Will that be sufficient to convince a terrorist that I should not be sprayed with machine gun fire while enjoying my hamburger at a sidewalk café? A: It is not necessary to speak a foreign language fluently, or even well. In order to appear foreign, many Americans take up smoking while traveling. Others box their children's ears instead of catering to their every whim, rejoice obstreperously over the recent handover of the Panama Canal,or bring their dogs with them to restaurants and demand that they be seated with them and shown the wine list. Q: If I am threatened, can I turn to the local U.S. Embassy? A: It is not a Traveler's Aid Society. The United States maintains embassies overseas in order to promote U.S. interests and to make the local population stand in long lines so that it can be told personally by a consular officer that we do not want them to move here. Q: What if a foreign person points a gun at me and tells me to get into The trunk of his car? A: The State Department takes no position on this. In some countries, it Is considered impolite to refuse to get into someone's car trunk. If you choose to get in, you may spend the next five years chained to a radiator while enduring lengthy lectures about the evils of the American system. In that event, you may be visited by State Department representatives. They are authorized to make mild protests to your captors and to offer you Tylenol and moist towelettes. They are not authorized to risk derailing the "peace process" by threatening your captors with extinction-level air strikes by B-52 bombers. Rest assured that high-level diplomatic personnel are expressing "concern" over your situation, or even "serious concern." In extreme cases, the department may even express "grave concern," though We prefer not to do this as it makes our senior personnel faint. Q: In the event a large crowd of angry foreign people appears outside my hotel chanting "Death to America!" then should I try the embassy? A: By this point, the embassy has probably been reduced to a smoking ruin. Bear in mind that it is increasingly the fashion abroad to express outrage toward the United States by driving truck bombs into the line of locals waiting outside our embassies to obtain visas. (Note: Under no circumstances should you seek assistance at the Chinese embassy, as it may have been targeted for destruction by U.S. cruise missiles.) Q: What other precautions should I take? A: Many Americans overseas have taken to chanting or humming anti-American slogans. For a complete list of current lyrics, consult the Department's Web site: www.greatsatan.gov. In addition, some Americans now dress in the Style of reigning Islamic fundamentalist millionaire-with-attitude Osama bin Laden. A complete bin Laden ensemble including 12 flammable U.S. flags can be ordered from the Travelsmith company catalog. "Blonde on Horseback" ------------------------ A blonde decided to try horseback riding, even though she had no prior experience. She mounted the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately sprang into motion. It galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde began to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabbed for the horse's mane, but couldn't seem to get a firm grip. She tried to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slid down the side of the horse anyway. The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leapt away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot became entangled in the stirrup and she was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head struck the ground over and over. As her head was battered against the ground, she was mere moments away from unconsciousness. Then, to her great fortune, the WalMart manager saw her and shut the horse off. FRENCH CUSTOMS ----------------------- "Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border. The French Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro." "Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs agent. "Quattro means 4!" "Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!" "He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno." LEMME TELL YOU A GOOD ONE! ---------------------------------------- Tell your friend across the country all the new jokes! Even tell your friends around the world It's possible with the great rates that Global Com offers! Please support JokeFlash and visit GlobalCom: http://www.kahl.net/global ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== IN FLIGHT HUMOR ---------------------- Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." 2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!" 5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more." 7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines." 8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it." 11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight." 12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had Hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?" 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." 16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insaneurge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways." --------------------------------------- AMAZIN' EXPANDING AMAZON --------------------------------------- Forget the mall! Buy online at Amazon! Get some dirt cheap books, music and much more now. Grab some comics or other funny literature for 20% off or more! PLEASE SUPPORT JOKEFLASH by using this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ========= JOKESITES ========= Web Spoofs ------------- http://www.webspoofs.com/ Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers, Alex Kahl Consultants Humor. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net/jokeflash THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== Q AND A ----------- Q: What do you call a mushroom that buys all the drinks? A: A fungi to be with. Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A: Both of them. AND FINALLY.... Check out the LAST PAGE on the internet: http://www.kahl.net/lastpage.html {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Please forward JokeFlash to your best friends. Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <