JokeFlash JULY 2001 | Vol.3, No. 7 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. ========= NEWSJOKE ========= Coke Set To Unveil New Slogan, "Life Is Good. Pepsi Is Crap." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ATLANTA Taking an aggressive next step in the decades-long "cola wars," Coca-Cola today unveiled a new slogan which brand manager Nick Benedict proclaims "hearkens back to traditional Coke values, but with a modern 'edginess'." The new slogan, "Life is Good, Pepsi is Crap," "really differentiates ourselves from the competition," said Benedict. "With this new themeline, we're hoping to remind consumers that life's pleasures are even more pleasurable when they're enjoyed with a cool, refreshing Coca-Cola." He added, "we're also looking to reinforce the idea that Pepsi tastes like sh*t." KC TECHSHOP ----------------- Shop at the TechShop! * MONEY-SAVING RANKINGS - we list the best sites for comparison shopping, reviews and infos. * "SWEET SPOT" SHOPPING LISTS - for PC DESKTOPs and LAPTOPs. Get the best price-to-quality ratio! * GREEN PC Section - helps you save energy. Hardware or software, deals on technology: http://www.kahl.net/shopping ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ STAYING UP LATE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Grace!] I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What is she doing?", the pal asks. "Waiting for me to get home." REDNECK ENGINEERING EXAM ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks Val!] 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? '66 Ford Fairlane '69 Chevrolet Chevelle '64 Pontiac GTO 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product? 4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land? 8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields? 9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift? 10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer? TELL ME THIS IS NOT A JOKE! ------------------------------------ GLOBALCOM only recommends products that we personally use. And we have found an incredible new CALLING CARD! Click4Prepaid is the best prepaid long distance service! * Works worldwide (via web enabled CALLBACK)! * No Monthly Fees! No Hidden Fees! Get Click4Prepaid from GLOBALCOM: http://www.kahl.net/global/ ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== FAMILIAR STORY, DIFFERENT ENDING ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." But then... A student then took the jar that the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is: No matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER ========= JOKESITES ========= ZE'S PAGE ~~~~~~~~ I don't even know where to begin describing this site... as long as you have the FLASH 5 plugin installed in your web browser you're gonna love it. Suggestion: browse thru the menu - the section "How To Dance" is pretty popular: http://www.zefrank.com/ Thanks to all who wrote in! If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers! Alex Kahl Consultants THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Kahl Consultants can help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== Woody Allen, in the movie "Play it Again, Sam!", tries to pick up a girl at a museum featuring modern art. He attempts to initiate a conversation by pointing to a painting and asking, "So, what do you think of that?" The girl replies, "It emphasizes the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of Man forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation, forming a useless bleak straightjacket in a bleak absurd cosmos." "So, what are you doing Saturday night?" asks Allen. "I will be committing suicide," replies the girl. Asks Allen, "How about Friday night?" {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <