JokeFlash JULY 2002 | Vol.4, No. 7 Read KC JokeFlash! Stay silly in a craaaaazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. ========== NEWSJOKES ========== ANTI TERRORIST MEASURE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The President of the United States, George W. Bush, has asked that all Americans and Canadians unite together in a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our community. Since the Taliban and Al Quida cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not one's wife, on Saturday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. EST, all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove that you think it's OK to see other women nude. (Since they do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.) Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia. The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your efforts. Please by all means, send this to your fellow Patriots to ensure 100% participation. YAKITTY YAK... ------------------- Get great LONG DISTANCE RATES with GLOBALCOM prepaid calling. * Even works worldwide (via web enabled CALLBACK)! * No Monthly Fees! No Hidden Fees! Talk for hours...we know you'll love Click4Prepaid from GLOBALCOM: http://www.kahl.net/global REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT-- Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border San Antonio, Texas Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing off the entire rampage as a marketing expense. "They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters." Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter. This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion. Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated. "First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And when we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning." "YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!" The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Jae Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame." Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that'". Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted. So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. "She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls." While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo. "No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sale." Source: SatireWire.com KC TECHSHOP ----------------- Freshly squeezed deal$ on technology: * MONEY-SAVING RANKINGS Best sites for comparison shopping and reviews. * "SWEET SPOT" SHOPPING LISTS DESKTOPs and LAPTOPs. Best price-to-quality! * GREEN PC Section Deal$ on Technology: http://www.kahl.net/shopping ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ FOR THE DOGS ~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks R.C.!] If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." - Will Rogers "We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made" - M. Facklam "Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." - Sigmund Freud "The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." - Anonymous "Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry "Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown "I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." - Penny Ward Moser "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley "No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." ? Fran Lebowitz "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. " - Groucho Marx "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. - James Thurber "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein NEW DRUGS ~~~~~~~~~~ [Thanks RC!] St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out. Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool. ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== MARTHA'S NEW MARKET ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Martha Stewart jokes are all the rage these days, particularly ones that involve prison cell decor or recipes for cakes with files baked in. The Stewart empire ? the magazines, the TV shows, the product lines ? could crumble if the accusations that she was involved in insider trading on ImClone stock manage to stick. Her own company's stock is already down. Martha may soon have a chance to write some of these. " Martha Stewart's Institutional Living " " License Plates With Flair! " " Sewing with Stripes " " Martha Stewart's 4' X 6' " " Hanging Plants & Throws for Confined Spaces " " Soap On A Rope-the bare essentials " " 3 Layer Surprise Cakes & Baking with Nail Files " " Line Dancing with Shackles " " Ball & Chain Cardio " " 101 Ways to ' doctor up ' Beans & Weenies " " Killing Time with Shadow Puppets " " Fresh Tips on Cleaning The Commode " " Darling Arts & Crafts Inside Your Head " " Plastic Spoon Solitaire in Solitaire " " Zany Bedspreads for Cots and Mats " " Day Trading Without a Computer !" " Fitness Tips: Leg Lifts with your Bitch " " Your Cell Mate; the Other White Meat " " Blue Lights Out Specials " " Institutional Green, the Other Pastel " " Animal Hedges-Barbed Wire Sculpting " " Baskets Ribbons & Bows- Barbed wire Weaving " " Planting Perennials - Getting Through Cavity Search " " Shower Games- Bedknops & Broomsticks " " Summer Tanning - In 10 Minutes or Less " " Martha Stewart Living ( in silence ) " " Tin Can Karaoke - You Are The Star!" " Big Savings at the Big " K " from " The Big House ========= JOKESITES ========= JAPANESE ENGRISH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Last JokeFlash had some funny Germany pronunciations. This time we present an entire website dedicated to "Japanese Engrish" Here is a small sample: 1. On a blanket - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. 2. On a shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. 3. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. 4. On a kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. JAPANESE ENGRISH http://www.engrish.com/ Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers! Alex Kahl Consultants THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let KC help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. KAHL CONSULTANTS Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== YOU NEED RUBBER DUCKIES IN BULK? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Got this email the other day... now who on earth thinks that anyone wants 5000 rubber duckies? Dear Customer, in this months newsletter we would like to promote one of our best selling items. we offer the original Rubber Duckie made of 100% natural rubber (latex) for US$ 0,49 ( instead of US$ 0,68 ) for all orders of 5.000 pieces or more. email: sales-@-squeeze-factory.co {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <