JokeFlash 8/2000 | Kahl Consultants | Vol.2, No.8 Read JokeFlash! Stay silly in a crazy world. CONTENTS: only the finest recycled jokes for all ages. ========= NEWSJOKE ========= CONVENTIONS DRAW AMERICA'S ODDEST ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PHILADELPHIA -- For the record, let me say that Monday's huge protest through the city was about . . . OK, let me double-check here . . . oh yeah . . . poverty. Which doesn't really explain the people with the "Ban Breast-feeding Now" T-shirts. "You can't be serious," I said to Bruce Spencer, 56, of New York who was among the small group of anti-breast-feeders. "Breast-feeding is an immoral act," he deadpanned. "It leaves people with an oral fixation. And the worst part of it is, the child doesn't have a choice." Other protesters were angrily ripping up the anti-breast-feeders literature. Especially women, who referred to themselves in their handout, as "womyn." "I think it's a hoax," I explained to Carolyn Chute, 53, who carried a huge flag and identified herself as a member of the 2nd Maine Militia. "I can't imagine that anybody's against breast-feeding." Chute said she was against both political parties and was interested only in who was up or down, not who was left or right. "We're the citizens of America," she said. "The people who are delegates are just the loyal subjects of the king." Carolyn, I think, was not pulling a hoax. But it isn't always easy to tell who is on the level. When you have a convention, every lunatic in America who can afford the bus fare shows up. And protests become an amorphous cacophony of messages, some serious, some utterly ridiculous. Bob Weinberg, 64, an American Studies professor at Temple University, stood on the sidewalk, watching the protesters as they marched miles of city blocks from city hall to the convention site. "This march is about poor people, and at least they have enough signs to get that message across," he said. "You couldn't tell what Sunday's march was about." Even so, peppered with Monday's protest signs saying things such as "Robin Hood was Right" and "35 Million Americans Live in Poverty" were political malcontents of every stripe, all with their own message to convey. Many of the visiting protesters are staying in a makeshift tent city in North Philadelphia that they've dubbed "Bushville." "It's great," said Toby Reiter, 23, a recent graduate of the University of Virginia. "Last night they had a deaf hip-hop jam there." At first I thought he meant "def" as in . . . actually I'm too old to know the real meaning of the word "def" . . . but as he described how a person used sign language to communicate a rap song, I realized he meant a deaf jam, not a def jam. Wait a minute. A rap concert for the deaf? Was he putting me on? It's hard to tell. Take the guy with the devil's mask, clown's nose, and a cape fashioned from an American flag altered to include the face of Elvis Presley. And, oh yeah, he had a gigantic toothbrush resting on his shoulder like a rifle. He was marching along the protest route saying witty things in a microphone, such as "The whole world is watching . . . television" and "The elections have been canceled. I am in charge." When I asked him who he is, he told me he's running for president. Yeah, right. "Here," he said, handing me a bumper sticker that says, "Vermin Supreme 2000," a campaign that's affiliated with something called the "Misinformed Citizens Bureau." "You're fooling," I said. "No, check out my Web site." "What's your issue, Mr. Supreme?" "Mandatory teeth brushing," he said. "Strong teeth for a strong America." Even those who were protesting poverty were doing it in ways that were so . . . bizarre, that it made poverty sound kind of humorous. There was a squad of young men dressed like cockroaches, who walked while chanting "Garbage, garbage, everywhere is garbage!" I think they were protesting poverty. But it may be they just like dressing like roaches. Behind them was another bunch of guys with cardboard goat heads and holding signs that said "Goat with a Vote." The goats danced to the sound of a beating drum, and one of them would occasionally get down on the street and writhe on the street like . . . like a cockroach. Very confusing. I tried finding out what the point was, but all I got in response from the goat-men was, "A goat will eat anything? Won't it?" When it came to people in animal attire, I can say for certain that the pair in the pig and cow costumes who rode by in the back of a convertible were definitely militant vegetarians. They were from the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, and their message was "Tax Meat." Mostly though, it was the police who seemed to be taxed by Monday's protest. With a reputation for being nearly Chicagoesque in its willingness to rough up citizens, Philadelphia's police force seemed to bend over backward to be as non-confrontational as possible with the protesters -- who were permitted to march in the street despite being denied a permit. Dozens of officers followed the marchers on horseback, and tens of empty school buses, which were to be used as paddy wagons in the event of mass arrests, followed the horses. But the police, like the thousands of curious Philadelphians, did nothing but watch the parade of humanity. "I have mixed emotions about this," said Joe DiGaindomenico, 57, a graphics salesman, who stood in shirt and tie on the sidewalk to watch. "It's important that we all have the right to protest, because that's what people died for, but it's also discouraging to see all these young people who aren't doing more with their lives." A group of construction workers, miffed that the protesters were blocking their way back to a job site, were more blunt. "Get a job!" they shouted. "Are all these people on vacation?" one of the workers, Jerry DeAngelis, 35, asked. "What they need to do is get haircuts and go to work." [Source: Frank Cerabino, Palm Beach Post] CUT YOU DOWN TO SIZE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHICAGO (Reuters) - Standing out in the crowd on the trading floors at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange may soon be a little tougher. No shoes with soles thicker than two inches will be allowed starting today. But it is not only the flappy, strappy high-heeled women's sandals the CME wants to put a stop to. Platform shoes worn by men in and around the trading pits have been declared a "fashion don't." "I've seen them that big," one broker said of a trader's platform shoes, holding his thumb and index finger about 6 inches apart. "I think it's more for the male traders than the females." Why the need to stand so tall? To see and be seen from the depths of the trading pits. To stand out in a sea of bright jackets, high-pitched voices and wild gestures. "They had a ruler out there the other day," another trader said. "I saw them measuring." ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ WHO AM I ------------- [Thanks R.C.!] A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!" QUESTIONS TO PONDER ------------------------------ [Thanks Jeff!] 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges? 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light" ? 12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites? 14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things? 15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds? 16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 20. Why is bra singular and panties plural? 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 26. Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one? 27. If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"? 38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 39. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 40. Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? 41. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 42. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 43. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. 44. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? 45. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist? 46. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? 47."I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 48. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 49. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? 50. Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them? But if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? 51. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 52. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 53. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men? 54. People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Are they cramming for their final exam? 55. American mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks. Do Chinese mothers use toothpicks? 56. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail men could look for them while they delivered the mail? 57. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? 58. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 59. Why is it that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive or play golf? 60. Why is it that no one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning? 61. What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag? 62. If you played a blank tape at full blast, would it bother the mime next door? 63. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? 64. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? DESPERATE FOR A DRINK ------------------------------- Roy walked in the front door of a bar, obviously drunk. He staggered up to the bar, sat on a stool, belched, and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informed Roy that it appeared that he had already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him. Roy was briefly surprised, then softly scoffed, grumbled, climbed off the bar stool and staggered out the front door. A few minutes later, Roy stumbled in the side door of the same bar. He wobbled up to the bar and hollered for a drink. The bartender came over and, still politely but more firmly, refused service to him due to his inebriation, and again offered to call a cab. Roy looked at the bartender for a moment angrily, cursed, and showed himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, Roy burst through the back door of the bar. He plopped himself on a bar stool, gathered his wits and belligerently ordered a drink. The bartender came over and emphatically reminded him that he was clearly drunk, would be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police would be called immediately. Roy looked at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cried, "Man! How many bars do you work at!" CHITTER CHATTER! ----------------------- So many deals for your phone calls, how to choose the best? See what Global Com offers! Travel much? Get the VoiceNet calling card! Now offers domestic call from ANY phone in the USA for only 6.9 cents/min! That's it! No more expensive calls! Check out this offer AND MANY MORE! Please support JokeFlash and visit your agent Alex Kahl at GlobalCom: http://www.kahl.net/global LONG ISLAND DRIVING RULES ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels. 2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal. 3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation. 4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow." 5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. 6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. 7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs. 8. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup. 9. Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median. 10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. 11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour. 12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Long Island driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. 13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire. 14. Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up. 15. It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach. 16. Learn to swerve abruptly. Long Island is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to potholes. 17. It is traditional in Long Island to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. 18. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Garden City where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken. 19. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Long Island it is common to stop and then decide which direction to turn. 20. Remember that the goal of every Long Island driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary. 21. Real Long Island female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic. 22. Real Long Island male drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic during daylight hours (who would want to at night?). 23. Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales. ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== THIS MESSAGE WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN TEN SECONDS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SAO PAULO (Reuters) - Residents of a top-notch Brazilian tower building are wondering why security costs have boosted their monthly rent bill above $2,000 after robbers breezed past their fortress-like protection, local media reported. Fifteen men in ski-masks and surgical gloves pulled off their own Mission Impossible on Friday, dodging 10 security cameras, six on duty-guards and an electric fence to break into the chic Sao Paulo building, where apartments sell for $2 million. It could not have played out more smoothly for the machine-gun carrying raiders. Apartment doors opened up before their eyes as unsuspecting residents fell for the bullied porter's request to carry out emergency heating maintenance. Without leaving a trace, the robbers made off with a booty of cash, jewels and a Mercedes from the 28-floor skyscraper, where residents' $2,200-monthly upkeep fee helps finance bullet-proof doors and around-the-clock surveillance. --------------------------------------- AMAZIN' EXPANDING AMAZON --------------------------------------- Forget the mall! Buy online at Amazon! Get some dirt cheap books, music and much more now. Grab some comics or other funny literature for 20% off or more! PLEASE SUPPORT JOKEFLASH by using this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ========= JOKESITES ========= ELECTRIC SHEEP WEB COMIX ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reading funky new comics on the web is whole new way of enjoying this kind of visual art. The colors! The shapes! The transitions! The brilliance! The... you get the picture. But be warned, it's only fun if you have a fast connection! http://www.e-sheep.com/ Thanks to all who wrote in. If I recycled one of your jokes be proud, you joker. Cheers, Alex Kahl Consultants - Small Biz Websites Humor. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== DEAD CAT Jim let his dog out to relieve himself late one night. He watched some TV, and then remembered to let the dog back in. When he opened the door, he was shocked at what he saw! In his dog's mouth was his neighbor's cat, dead! "Bad dog! BAD DOG!" said the panicked man. He took the cat away and looked at it. He couldn't bring himself to tell his neighbor what happened, so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the neighbor's porch. He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood and dirt. It took him forever. He had to wash it four times to get it all cleaned. He brushed it's beautiful white fur as he blow dried it, and put its collar back on. Since it was so dark, he crept into the neighbor's yard and laid the cat down on the porch in front of the door. The next day, he was on his way to the car to go to work and his neighbor was outside. "Hi," he said. "Hi," replied Jim, nervously. His neighbor said, "Something weird happened last night." "Oh yeah? What's that," asked Jim, sweating now. "Well, my cat died yesterday, and we buried him. This morning he was lying on my front porch!" AND FINALLY.... Check out the LAST PAGE on the internet: http://www.kahl.net/lastpage.html {¨} You got this far so you probably wet your pants uncontrollably. Share this warm feeling with others!! Forward JokeFlash to friends. Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <