JokeFlash 8/99 Vol.1, No.3 You LIKE to laugh. JokeFlash is your bag. Stay sane in an crazy world with JokeFlash. Contains only the best recycled jokes for all ages. JokeFlash is a free service of Kahl Consultants. Humor. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ========= NEWSJOKE ========= IT'S ILLEGAL NOW? In a recent Interior Dept. appropriations bill, Rep. Lucille Roybal-Allard (D-CA) introduced an amendment so that "a woman may breastfeed her child at any location in a building or on property that is part of the National Park System" (Al Kamen, Washington Post, July 7). ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ Additional warnings the FDA is considering for beer and alcohol: 13. warning: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not 12. warning: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole 11. warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN 10. warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish 9. warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to call them at 4 in the morning 8. warning: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants 7. warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember) 6. warning: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead 5. warning: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba 4. warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible 3. warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you 2. warning: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space 1. warning: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== Believe it or not.... If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months,enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Uh Oh) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps that it would squirt blood 30 feet. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (Who knew that pigs even HAD orgasms?) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (And yet, there's that pig thing ...) On average people fear spiders more than they do death. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....) You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. Polar bears are left handed. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes he catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds. Then how come they eat anything they find? The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I'm home.. what the...) Some lions mate over 50 times a day.(you go Boy!) Butterflies taste with their feet. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. Starfishes haven't got brains. After reading all these, all I can say is "Damn Pigs" ------------------------------------- LAUGH WITH AMAZON.COM ------------------------------------- In association with Amazon.com we offer you dirt cheap books and CDs. Grab some comics or other funny literature for 20% off or more! Support JokeFlash by using this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants 3 ENGINEERS & 3 MATHEMATICIANS ------------------------------------------------- Three engineers and three mathematicians are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three mathematicians each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a mathematician. "Watch and see," replies an engineer. They all board the train. The mathematicians take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The mathematicians see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. After the conference, the mathematicians decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. They buy a single ticket for the return trip, but are astonished to see that the engineers don't buy any ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed mathematician. "Watch and see" is the answer. They board the train, the three mathematicians cram into one rest room and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the mathematicians are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." ======== JOKESITE ======== Job Application at Computer Superstore This one is for all those who have shopped at FRYS or any other computer superstore: http://www.best.com/~braith/frys.htm Cheers, Alex Kahl Consultants http://www.kahl.net THE PLUG ======== Are you having fun with your work? How has your small business or organization been performing lately? Let Kahl Consultants help you. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== FLYING HIGH -- ON AND OFF THE GROUND Local police didn't appreciate one man's contribution to a beautification project at Chicago's O'Hare International Airport. Next to the wildflowers planted along the runways, police found his cultivated marijuana plants. They arrested the errant gardener when he showed up to check on his plants (Christian Science Monitor, July 19). {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably at all our jokes. Share this warm feeling with others!! Please forward JokeFlash to your best friends. Remember, the best things in life are free. |<