JokeFlash 9/99 Vol.1, No.4 You LIKE to laugh. JokeFlash is your bag. Stay sane in an crazy world with JokeFlash. Contains only the best recycled jokes for all ages. JokeFlash is a free service of Kahl Consultants. Humor. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. Visit us at http://www.kahl.net ========= NEWSJOKE ========= Memo to: The members of the Kansas Board of Education From: God Re: Your decision to eliminate the teaching of evolution as science. Thank you for your support. Much obliged. Now, go forth and multiply. Beget many children. And yea, your children shall beget children. And their children shall beget children, and their children's children after them. And in time the genes that have made you such pinheads will be eliminated through natural selection. Because that is how it works. Listen, I love all my creatures equally, and gave each his own special qualities to help him on Earth. The horse I gave great strength. The antelope I gave great grace and speed. The dung beetle I gave great stupidity, so he doesn't realize he is a dung beetle. Man I gave a brain. Use it, okay? I admit I am not perfect. I've made errors. (Armpit hair - what was I thinking?) But do you Kansans seriously believe that I dropped half-a-billion-year-old trilobite skeletons all over my great green Earth by mistake? What, I had a few lying around some previous creation in the Andromeda galaxy, and they fell through a hole in my pocket? You were supposed to find them. And once you found them, you were supposed to draw the appropriate, intelligent conclusions. That's what I made you for. To think. The folks who wrote the Bible were smart and good people. Mostly, they got it right. But there were glitches. Imprecisions. For one thing, they said that Adam and Eve begat Cain and Abel, and then Cain begat Enoch. How was that supposed to have happened? They left out Tiffany entirely! Well, they also were a little off on certain elements of timing and sequence. So what? You guys were supposed to figure it all out for yourselves, anyway. When you stumble over the truth, you are not supposed to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and proceed on as though nothing had happened. If you find a dinosaur's toe, you're not supposed to look for reasons to call it a croissant. You're not big, drooling idiots. For that, I made dogs. Why do you think there are no fossilized human toes dating from a hundred million years ago? Think about it. It's okay if you think. In fact, I prefer it. That's why I like Charlie Darwin. He was always a thinker. Still is. He and I chat frequently. I know a lot of people figure that if man evolved from other organisms, it means I don't exist. I have to admit this is a reasonable assumption and a valid line of thought. I am in favor of thought. I encourage you to pursue this concept with an open mind, and see where it leads you. That's all I have to say right now, except that I'm really cheesed off at laugh tracks on sitcoms, and the NRA, and people who make simple declarative sentences sound like questions? Oh, wait. There's one more thing. Did you read in the newspapers yesterday how scientists in Australia dug up some rocks and found fossilized remains of life dating back further than ever before? Primitive, multi-celled animals on Earth nearly 3 billion years ago, when the planet was nothing but roiling muck and ice and fire. And inside those cells was DNA. Incredibly complex strands of chemicals, laced together in a scheme so sophisticated no one yet understands exactly how it works. I wonder who could have thought of something like that, back then. Just something to gnaw on. ============ !!JOKEFLASH!! ============ Pool Etiquette ---------------- Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!" Greater Los Angeles Area Driver's License Application --------------------------------------------------------------- Name:______________ Stage name: ________________ Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________ Sex:___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both If female, indicate breast implant size: ____ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___ Brand of cell phone: ________. (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.) Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the backseat [ ] Having sex [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application) [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop Please indicate how many times: a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving. TEST If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately: a) Call the police to report the crime b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through d) Call your therapist e) None of the above (South Central residents only) In the event of an earthquake, should you: a) stop your car b) keep driving and hope for the best c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4? In the instance of rain, you should: a) never drive over 5 MPH b) drive twice as fast as usual, or c) you're not sure what "rain" is Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____. Are you presently taking any of the following medications? a) Prozac b) Zovirax c) Lithium d) Zanax e) Valium If none, please explain: __________________. Length of daily commute: a) 1 hour b) 2 hours c) 3 hours d) 4 hours or more When stopped by police, should you a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready, b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405, c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit? --------------------------------- Save on Long Distance Calls --------------------------------- It's crazy! There are so many great deals available for your phone calls, how do you choose the best? Simple! See what Global Com offers! Travel much? Get the VoiceNet calling card! Domestic call from any phone in the USA for only 14.5 cents/min! No more expensive calls! We've chosen to market these calling cards because it's the best deal we could find! Check out this offer AND MANY MORE! Support JokeFlash and visit your agent Alex Kahl at GlobalCom: http://www.kahl.net/global ============================== TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION ============================== BUTT WHY? --------------- Maximum portion of buttocks that one may legally bare next year in Manatee County, Florida : 2/3 ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS ------------------------------------------ I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages,e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance." ------------------------------------- LAUGH WITH AMAZON.COM ------------------------------------- In association with Amazon.com we offer you dirt cheap books and CDs. Grab some comics or other funny literature for 20% off or more! Support JokeFlash by using this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/kahlconsultants ======== JOKESITE ======== Here's a site for the Kansas Board of Education: http://www.WinkingJesus.com Cheers, Alex Kahl Consultants http://www.kahl.net THE PLUG ======== Having fun at work? How has your business been performing? Let Kahl Consultants help. Technology. Use it appropriately. Put it in our hands. ============== THE PUNCH LINE ============== Percentage of Americans who describe "barbecue" as the aroma that best defines America : 39 {¨} If you got this far you probably wet your pants uncontrollably at all our jokes. Share this warm feeling with others!! Please forward JokeFlash to your best friends. Remember, the best things in life are free. |< <