Kahl Consultants Small business web services

Chain Letter Type 1

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Make a wish!!!

No, really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?

STOP!!!!

Wasn't that fun? :)

Hope you made a great wish :)

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2

Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do.

So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

Chain Letter Type 4

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

Friends

A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...
* no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda.

Right?

Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning.

If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it immediately. Do not open it!

Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)

It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection.

Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation.

There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true"

1. Furthermore, just because someone said in the message  four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit",  does not actually make it true.
2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: http://www.urbanlegends.com/
   
   And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your friend's cousin.
   
3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe, decide that the cookies are THAT awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.
4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb.
5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?
6. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii.  Try these links: Authentic Virus And even then, don't forward it. We don't care.
7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell. (Note from Mari here: Use the Bcc: field instead of the To: and Cc: fields. This will protect the addresses of your friends from spammers and spare everyone the hassle of scrolling down kilometric lists of names and addies)
8. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.
9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the " " that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times - I've probably already seen it.
10. Craig Shergold in England (or Jessica Mydek) is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either.

The virus arrives in an email that includes an attachment called
"Love-Letter-For-You".

The virus targets people who use Microsoft's Outlook email program--a widely used default email client at companies -- to send messages with the virus to everyone listed in that person's address book.

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO? SIMPLE - IF YOU GET IT, DELETE IT! DO NOT OPEN IT!!

HONESTLY!

The media sure had a field day with the "Love Bug"! But let's not forget that nobody got hurt if they DID NOT OPEN ANY ATTACHMENTS that they didn't ask for. And it only affected those of us using PCs (not Macs!) AND Microsoft Outlook Email software (not Netscape!). The media also made outlandish claims about the "damage" done by this virus.

Calm down kids! Avoid the hype and hysteria. Remember that most WARNINGS are FAKE!

When a real virus does enter your computer it got there because YOU LET IT IN. Either as an email attachment or via some software you installed. Relax, even if you goofed, you can delete it with ANTIVIRUS SOFTWARE.

BOTTOM LINE: Keep a CURRENT set of BACKUPS as your first line of defense; use antivirus software as a second line of defense.

Please follow the GOLDEN RULE - DON'T OPEN AN EMAIL ATTACHMENT YOU DIDN'T ASK FOR!!!