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Lewinsky virus................
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about it.

Ronald Reagan virus...........
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Dan Quail virus...............
Misspells everything.

Mike Tyson virus..............
Quits after one byte.

Evil Knieval virus............
Crashes your hard drive over and over again.

Oprah Winfrey virus...........
Your 200MB hard drive shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Lorena Bobbit virus...........
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Viagra virus..................
Turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard disk.

Prozac virus..................
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Dr. Jack Kervorkian virus......
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Ellen Degeneres virus.........
Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic virus.................
Makes your whole computer go down.

Sam Kinison virus.............
Your pc makes random loud noises.

Microsoft virus...............
Forces you to reboot randomly.

Disney virus..................
Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Tim Allen virus...............
Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Woody Allen virus.............
Bypasses the motherboard and goes for the daughter card.

Saddam Hussein virus..........
Won't let you into any of your programs.

Valet virus...................
Parks the hard drive in the wrong spot.

Tonya Harding virus...........
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Joey Buttafuoco virus.........
Only attacks minor files.

X-files virus................
All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl virus..............
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

New York virus................
Turns your computer into an Apple.

AT&T virus....................
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus...........
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

This legend is a wild combinations of a bunch of internet fairy tales. Can you recognize any?

There is this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an email entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from armageddon.

His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Nieman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates (It's true--I read it all last week in a mass email from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld Vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the email to everyone I know).

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his Missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said "Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital--the one, actually where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an email and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every email he receives.

I sent him two emails and one of them was a bunch of X's and O's in the shape of an angel - if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people only will give you OK luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have bad luck FOR SEVEN YEARS!)

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

And its a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

Mars WAS spectacular... back in 2003!

Did you get an email about Mars lately? Did it read something like this?

The Red Planet is about to be spectacular! This month and next, Earth is catching up with Mars in an encounter that will culminate in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287. Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit, astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this close to Earth in the last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years before it happens again. The encounter will culminate on August 27th when Mars comes to within 34,649,589 miles of Earth and will be (next to the moon) the brightest object in the night sky. It will attain a magnitude of -2.9 and will appear 25.11 arc seconds wide. At a modest 75-power magnification Mars will look as large as the full moon to the
naked eye. Mars will be easy to spot. At the beginning of August it will rise in the east at 10p.m. and reach its azimuth at about 3 a.m. By the end of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30a.m. That's pretty convenient to see something that no human being has seen in recorded history. So, mark your calendar at the beginning of August to see Mars grow progressively brighter and brighter throughout the month. Share this with your children and grandchildren.

NO ONE ALIVE TODAY WILL EVER SEE THIS AGAIN.

Well at least that last line is absolutely true. That is because this event happened back in August 2003! But since people like to blindly forward emails you can rest assured that every year around August this letter will be circulated!

To learn more about Mars and other heavenly bodies visit KC AstroNews!

Dear all,

The message below is FAKE! 
Nearly ALL internet warnings are fake. So don't believe ANY warnings you get, even from friends!

When you get a warning message PLEASE:

(1) VERIFY

Check the message. Chances are good it is FAKE. Please use the VIRUS & HOAX ALERT website: www.kahl.net/hoax

(2) REPLY

Tell the sender and all recipients that the message is FAKE. Tell them about the VIRUS & HOAX ALERT website.

(3) DELETE

Just delete the message. DO NOT send it to anyone.

Thanks!

For free monthly Virus & Hoax Updates you can visit www.kahl.net to subscribe to KC News.